The Long Journey Home
by mpluto
Summary: Adam has found his wife and his child; a child he didn't know he had. But she and the baby still have a long way to go before they can truely be home. This is a sequel to Lost and Found.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

Adam sat in a chair next to the bed watching his wife and child sleep, knowing that very soon utter chaos would erupt in the currently peaceful house. Having just arrived from San Francisco in a private coach, his first priority had been to get Rebecca and the baby settled comfortably while they waited for Dr. Paul Martin to decide the next steps to be taken to bring his wife back to him. She was there in body, but her mind, her spirit and her emotions…even her recognition of him was clouded behind a shroud of opium addiction.

His child would be around two years and three months old, but he hadn't even been introduced. Rebecca had given birth after she had been kidnapped and sold into white slavery. He hadn't known she had been pregnant when she was taken, and as far as he knew, she hadn't either.

After finding that Rebecca had married a Cartwright, her missing brother, Robbie, had intended to hold her for ransom. Unfortunately the men he had allied himself with had other plans…to sell her into oblivion and disappear, never to be traced to the kidnapping. Her brother had been killed on the way to San Francisco; the knowledge of why trapped only in Rebecca's mind.

Following the trail to San Francisco, Adam found he had been only a few hours too late to prevent the man who bought her from leaving on a ship bound for the unknown. Now, as he sat watching her sleep, he remembered standing on the dock in San Francisco for hours, looking out over the ocean for any sign of her and finding none.

The State Department spent three long years chasing after General Wei Jun, a known opium smuggler for the British. It was rumored that he had paid the highest price ever in the slavery trade for Rebecca to become his wife because of her blonde hair, fair skin and unusual eyes, one the green color of the lofty Ponderosa pines in the forest and the other, the amber of a field of hay in sunshine.

It had been the Chinese community of San Francisco through their secret society of Tong who had finally lured General Wei back to San Francisco with the promise of $25,000 in silver ingots to view, touch, and pay their respects to Wei's Yellow Flower. The small war that had taken place had left General Wei and his men dead. The Cartwrights had provided the silver which the Tong had kept; a small price to pay for the return of Adam's wife, and as it turned out, his child, the identity of whom, with his thick, black curls and dimples, there could be no mistake.

The woman who had taken care of Rebecca for those three years, Chi Mei, had also been Wei's slave and had come back to the Ponderosa with the Cartwrights to help care for Rebecca and the baby. After Rebecca had called to her before they left San Francisco, Adam knew Rebecca trusted Chi Mei; at that moment, Chi Mei had been the only one she trusted.

During those three years without his wife, he could only imagine what horrors she had endured. Now, sitting next to her, he knew he was about to find out everything. He didn't want to know for himself, already feeling he hadn't protected her, that he hadn't kept his promises to her, that he had been unable to find her. But he knew that in order to bring her back, he would have to understand and face all the fear, all the anger, all the pain in her…and all her disappointment in him…that suddenly being without the opium would bring to the surface.

And the child…the innocent, small boy who would never comprehend what had been done to him…what she had done to him to save him, and who might not be strong enough to survive the withdrawal of his need. Adam had resisted holding him, wanting to ignore the love that already filled his heart for the child…his son…questioning whether he had the strength to save them both, knowing full well he might have to say goodbye to a son he could touch, but never know.

Even if Rebecca could successfully beat the addiction, would she be the same? Would she still be the woman he had fallen in love with so easily; a woman who wasn't educated or refined, a woman who had been poor all her life, but a woman whose eyes saw wonder in everything, who heard beauty in words that many people couldn't comprehend, and a woman who sought out the good in everyone, regardless of how bad a person was. She had always had a smile for everyone, including old Mrs. Bailey who, after her husband died, had become bitter toward the world. Rebecca had changed Mrs. Bailey's life in one act of kindness, one word of interest, one caring soul. That was his Rebecca.

After resolving that he would never find a woman he could love who would stay with him, he prayed that God would send him an angel; and then she appeared in one of the Ponderosa's south pastures, close to death. He remembered how he had been drawn to that pasture that day when there was no reason for him to be there. Adam chuckled out loud, remembering the mental conversation he imagined having with God when he had made up his mind to ask her to marry him, trying to make sense of the voice in the back of his head that kept telling him to go to the south pasture the day he found her.

_God: Adam, go to the south pasture._

_Adam: Why? I don't need to go to the south pasture._

_God: Adam, when you ask God for something, don't you think you should trust him?_

_Adam: I asked for an angel. How could there possibly be any heavenly beings in the south pasture?_

_God: Are you forgetting who I am?_

Ben Cartwright carefully pushed the door of the bedroom open, creasing his eyebrows as he listened to his son's quiet laughter. "What's so funny?"

"I was just remembering a conversation I had with God," said Adam, smiling, looking back toward Rebecca.

Ben raised his eyebrows, surprised that his son would have had a conversation with God, and wishing he could have been a fly on the inside of Adam's skull, listening. Remembering why he had come, his smile disappeared. "Paul is here."

Adam's smile was gone as quickly as his father's. "I don't want her left alone…in case she wakes up and doesn't know where she is."

"What about Chi Mei?"

"She needs to be part of this, Pa. She knows what Becca's gone through. We need to know that."

"Come on, then. I'll send Joe back up."

Adam hesitated, then slowly rose from the chair, looking back at his wife before he left the room, dreading what he knew was about to begin.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

Chi Mei sat in the middle of the settee between Adam and Ben. Dr. Martin stood in front of the fireplace taking mental notes as Chi Mei spoke in a light, delicate voice.

"I was told to keep her on a regular dose of opium…in her water and food. General Wei came to her quarters to speak to her, but she was not able talk much because of the opium. He had told many men that she would be his wife. He walked her around the deck of the ship once to show her to his men, demanding they respect her. When we had been at sea for three months, I knew that she was with child. I was able to hide this from General Wei for another month, but she began to show and he noticed. She told him then that she was married and that the child belonged to her husband. He was angry, and told her he would kill the child."

"What did she do?" asked Dr. Martin.

Chi Mei hadn't looked up through the first part of her story. She sat wringing her hands.

Adam took her hands in his. "Chi Mei, do you understand why we need you to tell us what happened to her?" She was silent. "We're going to stop giving her the opium. We need to know what happened to try to avoid saying and doing things that might make her pain worse. We need to understand what happened to her if she talks about it."

She looked up at him and nodded. "She told him she would die if he killed her baby." Adam took a deep breath and looked away. "General Wei believed she would take her own life, and he would not be able to recover his investment. He stripped her and had her taken to the deck and tied to the mast…we were in a storm, and he left her tied to the mast until the storm was over. When she came back into the hold, she was so cold. He tied her to the mast during each storm."

Adam sat back, covering his mouth with his hand, anger beginning to well within him.

"Adam, maybe you shouldn't listen to this," said his father.

"I have to know this…to know how to help her. I'm fine," he said, rising from the settee and standing at the foot of the stairs, leaning against the post.

"What else, Chi Mei?" asked Paul.

"He never hit her…he did not want to damage her body. When he found she was not pure, he did not marry her, but because he had already told many men he would, he did not say that he had not. The child's life was spared, but he was kept covered so that anyone who saw him would not question the child's parentage. The men who came to see her all thought she was Wei's wife. He used her to make money by showing her to men who would pay to see her eyes. He would allow them to…touch her…if they paid. He would present her on deck wearing only…gloves and a sash. The more the men paid, the more personal the touching."

Adam sat down on the step with his head in his hands. Ben watched him as the muscles in his jaw tightened. Still, he sat in silence and listened.

Dr. Martin sat on the table in front of Chi Mei. "Do you understand what rape is?"

She nodded. "General Wei was bound by the honor of marriage as far as the men knew. He could not allow another man to couple with her. I do not think Wei did. He was never alone with her in her quarters. He thought of her as…unclean."

"Was there anything else about her treatment that she will remember…anything at all we should know?" asked Paul.

"She complied with General Wei's commands in return for the safety of her child, but he would not allow me to use the ship's stores to feed the child or ease his pain. She had no choice but to provide his nourishment, and by doing so provided for the child's need. She would tell the baby about his father, about the great Ponderosa where he lived. She would sing a song…" Chi Mei sang in a faint, soft voice, "_Early one morning, just as the sun was rising…_Wei would punish her whenever he heard. He tortured her with water so that her body was not damaged…by placing her in a cold tub or dunking her head over and over again until she could not catch her breath or having the men pour buckets of cold water over her head."

Adam laid his head on his arms crossed over his knees.

"Chi Mei, did she ever leave the ship?" asked Ben.

"No, she was not allowed out of her quarters except for a viewing. Those were in the early evening. That is why she could not see in the bright daylight in the coach. Her quarters were kept very dim. This is one reason the men wanted to touch her…her skin was very soft…and white…like a porcelain doll." Chi Mei reached out to touch Ben's arm. "She dreamed of him," she said, nodding toward Adam. "She spoke to him in her sleep and when the opium was strongest."

Paul took her hands in his. "Chi Mei, you were his slave. Did he hurt you?"

"General Wei purchased me from my father when I was a small child. My parents were very poor. They sold me to feed the other children. He taught me your language, so that I could travel with him as he looked for the woman he would take for his wife. He took me to be her servant. I was never allowed to be around his men. He looked at many women like Kan Huar."

"Kan Huar?" asked Ben.

"It means Yellow Flower. That is what he called her. When he saw her eyes, he chose her."

Adam suddenly stood and hurried to the door where he took his gun and hat. Ben followed, grabbing his arm. "Adam, where are you going?"

Adam looked at him with red, wet eyes. "I need…I'll be back in a little while."


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Adam stood in the barn even after he had Sport saddled, unsure of where he could go to escape the anger he was feeling. Thinking back before Rebecca was taken, he knew Robbie could have been close. His instincts had told him that Robbie might reappear to hurt her after leaving her for dead. He shouldn't have let Becca go riding alone…not until he knew where Robbie was. He stepped up onto Sport and rode, ending up in front of Mrs. Bailey's house.

Mrs. Bailey heard him ride up and looked out the window, watching as he dismounted and stood next to Sport, staring at his saddle. She opened the door and sat on the front porch swing. "Why don't you go ahead and tie him and come up here and sit while you stare?"

Adam turned his head toward her, still bent, and nodded. When he sat in the swing, he kept his feet flat on the porch and leaned forward, pushing the swing back and preventing Mrs. Bailey's feet from reaching the porch.

"Lean back and talk before you dump me out of this swing. When did you get back?"

Adam leaned back, removing his hat and placing it on his knee. "A few hours ago."

They sat in silence for a moment. "Do I have to ask?" she said, turning to look at him.

His chin quivered ever so slightly, and she could see the tears in his eyes glistening in the evening light. "She's home."

"But, she's not," said Mrs. Bailey quietly. "You knew it would be this way." Silence. "Do you know what she's been through?"

"A Chinese woman came back with us. She took care of Becca for the last three years. She told us."

"It must've been pretty bad for you to be here instead of there. But you knew she would be used. You prepared yourself for that."

"I thought I had; at least some of it. He controlled her with opium…and he tortured her."

Mrs. Bailey reached over and took his hand. "I had a conversation with your father once; the day you started teaching Rebecca how to ride a horse. You and she are alike in, at least, one respect. Both of you have weathered all kinds of bad things in your lives, and yet, you both continue to try to please everyone…to do the right thing. You've both been strong all your lives. At some point, you won't be."

"I don't understand."

"You have every right to be angry, Adam. Just make sure the direction of your anger is valid."

He spoke through gritted teeth. "I didn't protect her."

"And what do you think you should've done? You couldn't be with her twenty-four hours a day. That would have crippled you both. Adam, bad things happen to good people. It's a fact of life. Rebecca is no stranger to bad things."

His voice saddened. "Becca always said everything happens for a reason."

"She also said we don't always know what that reason is. This is one of those times." Adam stood and leaned on a post with his back to Mrs. Bailey. "You don't have the luxury or the time to blame yourself," said Mrs. Bailey. "She's not going to make it back without you. Besides, you're not going to get any sympathy here for blaming yourself because I happen to know this wasn't anyone's fault but the man who took her. It's not yours and it's not hers." She sat in silence studying his back. It was stiff and straight. _He's trying much too hard._ "Adam, come back and sit, please."

When he had seated himself next to her on the swing, Mrs. Bailey bowed her head and laid her hands in her lap. "This could well be the thing she's not strong enough to handle, especially with the opium. So whatever you're feeling, feel it to its end before you go back, because when you go back, she'll need you to be the strong one."

"There's something else. We have a son."

Mrs. Bailey's eyes grew wide as she looked at him. "I'd tell you you'd have to explain that one to me, but I won't. Just tell me how come you didn't know you had a child on the way."

"She was pregnant when she was taken. I didn't know. I don't think she did either. Much of what was done to her was caused by her efforts to protect the baby. And probably a lot more wasn't done to her because of him. The man that held her considered her unclean. He took her to be his wife, but when he found out she had been married and was carrying a child, she became nothing more than an investment. He threatened to kill the baby, and she bartered for him with her life…and her self-respect. And now the baby's as addicted as she is."

Mrs. Bailey turned away and brought her handkerchief up to her face, wiping her eyes and nose. Adam reached back and held her hand. She pulled him back in the swing and the two sat holding each other for a few moments while they both collected themselves.

"You have to trust your pa to help you through this. He'd never think anything less of you if you can't hold back your tears." She pushed him back away from her and held his face in her hands. "There's no shame in it. It takes a stronger man to share his hurt than it does to keep it buried.

Now," said Mrs. Bailey, sniffling, "you know you need to be with her. She's been told she's unclean for so long, she probably believes it. She's also probably very ashamed. You need to make her understand she has nothing to be ashamed of. Now, tell me what else you need from me so you can go take care of your wife and son."

He leaned over and kissed Mrs. Bailey's cheek. "You know as well as I do you already said what I needed to hear." He rose from the swing and started down the front porch steps, but turned back. "I don't want you to come by yet. The next few weeks or so won't be pleasant. I'll ask Doc Martin to let you know how it's going."

"You know where I am if you need me. And you remind her…when she can understand… that I'm still here, and I still love her," said Mrs. Bailey with moist eyes. "And Adam, you make sure she knows you love her, too. You tell her."


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Preparations for Rebecca's recovery had already been made by the time Adam arrived home. Rebecca's bedroom had been cleared of everything except her bed, a night table and a chair. Chi Mei would be taking care of the baby for the most part, and Dr. Martin had explained to her about the bottle, the milk and the laudanum. Little Adam would be given cow's milk from a bottle and would be given a steadily reduced amount of laudanum. Dr. Martin was not willing to completely take the opium away from the child, fearing that the withdrawal that Rebecca would endure would be too much for him. Under no circumstances would Rebecca be allowed to breastfeed...the amount of opium the child received had to be strictly controlled.

Chi Mei would also be helping Rebecca get through the breast discomfort that suddenly ending the baby's feeding would bring. Dr. Martin gave her instructions, but Chi Mei was completely aware that following them would be difficult, at least until Rebecca's withdrawal symptoms had come to an end. In addition, she had her own ideas about relieving that type of discomfort; Chinese women loosely bound their breasts after covering them with cold cabbage leaves.

Rebecca had awakened and left her bedroom, looking for her water. Chi Mei had chased her, and when she called for help, Ben and Dr. Martin had followed her. When Adam stepped into the house, the first sound he heard came from upstairs…the sound of shattering glass. He ran up the stairs, following the loud voices to his own room, and when he opened the door, a bottle of cologne narrowly missed his head, shattering against the door frame. He flinched away from the shards of glass that peppered his shoulder.

Rebecca was pressed into a corner between the wall and his chest of drawers, cowering and looking frantic and confused. She picked up the music box…the one Adam had brought from their own bedroom in their own home…and held it high ready to throw. The lid fell open and the music began to play, stopping her motion. She had been looking anywhere but into the faces that surrounded her since she woke up and still, she looked around the room at nothing in particular, listening to the music. Her breathing slowed, and she lowered the music box, looking at it, creasing her brows as if trying to place a memory. She remembered…something.

Adam walked to her, taking her hands in the palms of his as she held the music box. She tensed at his presence, but didn't look at him, rather looking off to the side. "Wh…where…am…I?" she whispered as if she was afraid to be heard.

"You're home," Adam answered softly, taking the music box from her hands and replacing it on the top of the chest. He gently pulled her from between the wall and the chest, guiding her out of his room and down the hall. As they walked, he heard her whisper, "This is a trick. What does he want from me now?"

When they were back in her bedroom, and Adam had eased her back down in the bed, she called for Chi Mei. "Where is my water?"

Chi Mei looked from Adam to Dr. Martin, not knowing how to answer her question. There would be no more of _her_ water.

Adam sat on the side of the bed, trying to look into her eyes, but she continued to focus somewhere else, avoiding him. "Becca, do you know who I am?"

"You're a trick," she whispered. "He wants something from me."

"Why are you whispering?"

"Because he'll punish me if I talk to you."

"Becca, General Wei can't hurt you anymore. He's gone." What Adam saw in her face was unexpected…he saw sudden terror.

"My baby!" she cried frantically. "Bring me my baby!"

"She is afraid he took he took the baby," said Chi Mei as she ran from the room. She returned almost immediately with the child, carefully placing him in Rebecca's arms. Rebecca instinctively began to unbutton her gown.

"No. Don't let her feed him," said Dr. Martin. "Chi Mei, the bottle."

Chi Mei left again and returned with a bottle, handing it to Adam who was busy trying to prevent Rebecca from unbuttoning her gown. He showed her the bottle. "Here, this is what he needs now."

"No; I'm the only one who can give him what he needs." Baby Adam began to cry and pull on her gown. Her hands and the child's hands had become a tangle of hysterical proportions until Adam finally pulled her forward, sliding behind her and wrapping his arms around hers as she held the baby. He put the bottle in her hands and guided it to the baby's mouth, the baby sucking furiously for a moment, stopping and mewling, and sucking again. Rebecca struggled weakly against Adam, but eventually gave up, giving in to his stronger grip on her hand.

He whispered in her ear as the baby drank. "Becca, you cannot feed him anymore. He has to be fed with a bottle. You won't be getting opium. Your water is just water. He needs what's in this bottle now. And Wei will never hurt him…or you…ever again." He had no idea if she heard him or comprehended what he had just said; she was looking down at the baby, cooing and cuddling him, protecting him…from her bogeyman.

Adam took a deep breath, looking up at Dr. Martin. "I didn't expect this. I thought she'd be in pain."

"Chi Mei gave her a stronger dose when you arrived from San Francisco. I wanted to make sure we had time to prepare."

"Paul, why does she have to go through this? Can't you give her laudanum like the baby?"

"It's been proven that in adults it's better this way. If we take her off slowly, she'll find a place where she's comfortable and because she'll be mentally aware, it will make her long term recovery doubtful. This way, she'll associate the opium with the pain and won't be as inclined to continue to need it." Dr. Martin put his hand on Adam's shoulder. "This is only a mild example of what's to come, Adam. She'll be in unbelievable pain very shortly. She won't be even a shadow of the woman you knew. You have to be ready for that."


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Chi Mei took the baby from Rebecca's room once he had drifted to sleep, causing a stir.

"He stays with me," said Rebecca loudly. Dr. Martin shook his head at Adam; both had noticed that Rebecca had broken out in a cold sweat. She was shaking, her breathing had become shallow, and her eyes and nose were beginning to run. She hurried to the door, but Adam intercepted her.

As she tried weakly to move around Adam, Dr. Martin asked, "Are you sure you want to handle this alone?"

"Paul, the only thing you can do to make it easier is give her more, and that'll just prolong it. No, I want it out of her."

"That's not what I meant."

"I'm responsible for this," Adam barked.

Paul breathed deeply, taking Adam's arm. "You're not." He looked from Adam to Rebecca. "I have to go back to town. A new shipment of laudanum came today. I gave Chi Mei my last bottle. Do you have any questions before I go?"

Adam snorted. "No, you made it all pretty clear."

"Remember, she's going to dehydrate, so you need to keep giving her water. It's liable to come up, but she'll absorb some."

When Dr. Martin left the room, Adam turned her around with her back against his chest and enveloped her, holding her hands against her body. Leaning his head against hers, he spoke softly in her ear, "Becca, do you know who I am?"

"Why are you doing this to me? I need my water," she whispered.

"Becca, you don't have to whisper. Wei is dead."

She continued to fight him. "He'll punish me if I talk to you. Please, I'll drink my water," she cried. "Just don't hurt my baby."

"No one's going to hurt the baby."

Her struggling stopped, and she slumped against him, begging, "Please, don't hurt my baby."

Adam took a deep breath, trying to keep his voice steady. He turned her around in his arms. "I would never hurt our son. He's sleeping. You can see him in a little while." She glared up at him, pushing away and retreating to a corner. Sinking to the floor, she brought clenched hands up to her face, and wept, withdrawing into herself. Adam didn't think she could press any further into the corner, but when he stepped toward her, she drew back even more, pulling the chair in front of her.

He couldn't tell if she was crying or if her eyes were just watering; one of the symptoms Paul had described, but tears were streaming down her face. He also noticed she had begun to scratch her arms and legs. Walking back to the door, he yelled down the hall, "Pa, would you bring up my black gloves?"

"Be right there," was the faint answer from downstairs.

Adam answered the light knock at the door. "Thanks, Pa."

"Adam?"

"She's scratching, but I don't think she's in any physical pain yet. She still doesn't know where she is, and she still thinks Wei will punish her if she talks to me." Looking down at the floor he added, "She thinks I'm still in her dreams."

Ben started to ask to let him help, but he saw that Adam had transformed himself. At the moment, he was…unemotional…detached. "Call if you need anything."

Adam nodded and closed the door, then went to the corner and put the gloves on her hands. He went back to the door, leaned against it and watched. As long as she was in the room, it didn't matter whether she was on the bed or on the floor. He was sure she'd be all over the room before this was over, and he was going to let her stay wherever she wanted to be. He had refused to tie her to the bed, not wanting to give her another reason to hate him. She would be going through hell, and there was no stopping it. He closed his eyes, clenching his jaw. This hell she was going through was his fault. If he had changed just one thing…. All he could now do was prevent her from leaving the room or hurting herself. He thought to himself how this was the easiest part for him; he knew the hard part would come after the opium was no longer in control, when she remembered everything that happened to her, what she had done to her child, how it happened and why…fear, despair...and maybe hate. And so, he watched…and waited.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Adam had closed his eyes only for a moment, but when he opened them, Rebecca's condition had worsened. She was curled into a ball in the corner with her arms wrapped around her, noticeably shaking. Grabbing the blanket off the bed, he knelt and wrapped it around her, then carried her to the bed and held her as she convulsed.

"So cold," she whispered in a trembling voice.

He felt her forehead. The fever had begun. Dr. Martin had said if the fever got too high, they'd have to get it down. Adam hoped that wouldn't happen because the only way he could bring the fever down was to put her in a tub of cold water…something that Wei had done to punish her.

She began to rock back and forth, clutching her stomach. "Please," she whispered. "Give me my water. Please."

Adam picked up the canteen that had been lying on the floor next to the bed and brought it to her lips. She took a drink, then pushed the canteen away. "No," she spat. "I need _my_ water."

"No more opium, Becca," answered Adam quietly, stroking her hair back away from her face.

They heard the baby shriek, and Rebecca began to shove him away. Adam had no idea where she found the strength, but she managed to elbow him in the chin, then bit into his arm. He let her go and stood against the door as she tugged on the door knob. "You can scream as loud as you want, but you're not getting out of this room," he said calmly.

"Why are you doing this to me? What did I do that made you forget about me?" she screamed. Adam's mouth fell open as he leaned back against the door and took several heavy breaths. Rebecca sank to her knees. "Please let me have my baby. He needs me," she pleaded, sobbing.

Though Adam fought to remain disconnected, his emotions were winning. He turned away trying to hold back the tears stinging his eyes. When he had regained control, he knelt in front of her, but when he tried to hold her she pushed away. Hanging his head, he said quietly. "He's with Chi Mei. She'll take care of him."

"Alright. Do whatever you want, but let me have my child," she growled through her tears. Adam, still on his knees, leaned back, his brow creased, his lips parted. Rebecca rose up on her knees, unbuttoned her gown and let it fall to the floor around her. She focused her eyes on his chest, speaking angrily. "This is what you want, isn't it? This is what all of you want. Just do it. Give me my water and let me have my baby."

Stunned, Adam looked away for a moment, thinking this was how she had protected the child over the last three years. Leaning toward her as his eyes reddened and filled with tears, he gathered her gown and pulled it back up around her. He took her face in his hands, but her eyes looked away. "Becca," he whispered, his voice shaky. "It's Adam. I could never forget you."

She shrank away and crumpled to the floor, holding her stomach. "You're just a dream. Go away before Wei comes," she whispered weakly.

Adam let her lie on the floor, rocking…weeping…every now and again, gasping in pain. He sat and waited in the chair, his elbows on his thighs, his chin on his hands, trying to get control over his own emotions, tensing with every sob and gasp he heard. _This is the opium. It's not Becca._ Glancing at his pocket watch, he wondered how much more either one of them could handle. Time was passing much too slowly.


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

Adam had lost track of time, spending all of his waking hours in the bedroom with Rebecca. When she slept, he ate what little he could and napped while his father or Dr. Martin sat with her. He took some of this time to check on the baby. The laudanum, for the most part, prevented the incredible pain that his mother experienced, but he was always fussy. Little Adam took brief naps, and spent the rest of his time in Chi Mei's arms. He was constantly moving, trading quiet whimpers for loud shrieks. Diapers were regularly going in and out of the room; diarrhea had set in. Dr. Martin's estimate to have him completely off the laudanum was still several weeks, much longer than his expectations for Rebecca. It was just as well. Adam still had to deal with the real Rebecca when the opium was no longer in her.

While the baby was sleeping, Chi Mei would take care of Rebecca's other issue with little success. Keeping her breasts bound was difficult, and relieving the pressure was impossible. Even so, Rebecca didn't seem to be able to differentiate the pain in her breasts from the withdrawal pain all over the rest of her body.

She had scratched her arms and legs until they bled, and keeping bandages on her was proving nearly impossible. She had begun to vomit, so keeping her hydrated was a challenge. Adam could handle the physical effects of her withdrawal much easier than he was handling the crying, screaming and begging.

Even with all this, his worst fear would not be realized until Paul came in to check on her. Feeling her forehead as she pitched back and forth on the bed, Paul decided her fever had to be brought down.

"Paul, are you sure?" asked Adam, anxiously.

"I can't get a good temperature reading. I need a good twenty minutes, and with her tossing and turning, I'll never get a reliable reading. She's hotter now than she was just a half hour ago. I don't want to risk it." He stood, placing his hand on Adam's shoulder. "I know why you don't want to do this, Adam, but I'm afraid this has to be done. I'll ask the boys to bring a washtub up and prepare it."

Adam sat on the side of the bed, watching Joe and Hoss as they prepared a cold bath, bringing up bucket after bucket of spring water. When the bath was ready, Adam picked her up and carried her toward the tub, but before he could lower her, she pulled herself up to his shoulders, trying to climb over him, begging, "Please…I'll do anything he wants. I told you he'd punish me for talking to you," she pleaded. "No! Please, no!"

Hoss wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her off of Adam, holding her with her back against him and her feet off the floor as she flailed wildly.

Adam stepped back, his face twisted in distress, his chin quivering. "I can't do this," he whispered.

"Pa, take him out. Me and Joe'll take care of her," said Hoss, Rebecca's struggles seemingly no more than a mild annoyance to him.

As Dr. Martin and Ben pulled Adam out of the room, Hoss looked at the tub. "Who's it gonna be, Joe? Me or you?"

Joe looked at the tub, then back to Hoss. "I'll do it…but, you're gonna have to help." Joe slipped off his boots, socks and belt and emptied his pockets. He stepped into the tub, sitting on the side and looking over at Hoss, wincing.

It took both of them to get Rebecca in the tub, gown and all. Joe sat on the side, holding her down while Hoss took buckets of water out of the tub, replacing it with buckets of cold water. Rebecca stopped struggling, and raised her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them, shivering. "Please…no more…I won't talk to him anymore," she sobbed. "Tell Wei I won't talk to him anymore."

On the front porch, Ben sat watching Adam stare up at the sky. "Why would He do that?" asked Adam.

"Why would who do what?

"God."

Ben straightened, suddenly concerned where Adam's thoughts were taking him. He knew that Adam wasn't as steadfast in his belief as he was, but Ben wasn't prepared to tolerate blasphemy either. "I don't know what you mean."

"I almost let myself believe that God actually answered a prayer…to send me an angel. Think about it, Pa. What were the chances I'd be in the same field she stumbled into when I had no reason to be there? What I don't understand is why He'd send her and then sacrifice her to someone like Wei." Adam's voice slowly elevated as he stared out at nothing. "She has everything that's good in her. How could her God allow her to go through that?" He spun around, angrily facing his father, pointing to the second floor window above the porch, shouting, "How could _your_ God allow her to go through _that_?"

Ben responded calmly. "How could…God…let your mother die…or Hoss's mother…or Joe's? Ours is not to question God. He expects us to have faith that what happens in our lives has a deeper meaning, whether we understand it or not." Ben walked out to Adam, putting his arm around his shoulder. "Adam, her brother took her. Maybe it was God who brought her back…with your son. Maybe He's testing your faith. Either way, the woman you love is back home and upstairs, and she needs you. She needs you to be strong, because she's not right now. You are the one that has to help her back."

Dr. Martin came back to the bedroom from the baby's room every few minutes, touching Rebecca's forehead, and finally telling Hoss to take her out of the tub.

Adam returned with towels, handing one to Joe, looking gratefully into his eyes. The corner of Joe's mouth went up as he squeezed Adam's arm. He wrapped another towel around Rebecca. "I'm so sorry," he whispered to her as he dried her. When Hoss and Joe left the room, he removed her gown and finished drying her, then redressed her and guided her to the bed.

"Please leave me alone," she whispered, still shivering. "He did this because of you. Just go away, please."

Adam wanted to tell her again that Wei was dead, but he didn't get a chance. She vomited violently, losing everything they had managed to get in her.


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven **

Rebecca opened her eyes and looked around the room. She was alone. Was it all a dream? She remembered Adam being there. Or did she? She slowly rose from the bed and made her way to the door, turning the knob quietly and pulling the door open only a crack. Seeing no one in the hall, she opened the door wider, looked both ways, then stepped out into the hall. It was all familiar…this looked like the Ponderosa. But that was impossible. Wasn't she still on Wei's ship? She found the stairs and stopped to listen, hearing muffled voices behind her, but nothing from downstairs. Slowly taking one step at a time, stopping to listen, then taking another, she made it to the bottom step before she heard someone call her name behind her. Without turning to look, she ran to the front door, flung it open and rushed outside.

"Becca!" Adam yelled as he sprinted down the stairs, following right behind her as she headed out the front door. Ben and Dr. Martin followed him.

Before he reached her, she stopped and looked at the ground. She felt dirt under her bare feet. Slowly dropping, she dug her hands into the loose earth, lifting them and letting the soil sift through her fingers. Solid ground. She had expected water all around her, but she was on solid ground…dirt.

Joe and Hoss emerged from the barn and froze as Adam walked briskly to her, kneeling in front of her. "Becca?" he said hopefully as he held her arms.

Raising her head, she slowly lifted her eyes, looking directly into his. "Adam?" she whispered, her chin quivering. As tears filled her eyes, she spoke softly again, "Adam?"

He gently touched her face. "You're home, Becca. You and the baby are home."

"Home," she said in a weak, hoarse voice. "Home," she repeated as Adam pulled her into his arms. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she held on as if her life depended on it. "Please keep him away from me," she sobbed as she clung to him.

"Wei can't hurt you anymore, Sweetheart. He's dead…and you're home."

Hoss put his hand on Joe's shoulder and turned away, not wanting anyone to see the tears welling in his eyes. Joe looked at his father, nodding, blinking back his own tears while Dr. Martin squeezed Ben's shoulder. Ben didn't know whether to smile or cry; he knew there was still a long road ahead of the two people, his son and daughter, kneeling in the dirt, holding on to each other. Finally, he allowed himself a relieved smile. The healing had begun.


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

Adam paced back and forth at the foot of the bed, and Ben stood leaning against the door as Dr. Martin spoke with Rebecca. It was clear that she was still foggy, but she knew where she was, and she acknowledged it. She knew who Adam was and that he was real. More importantly, she understood that Wei was dead.

When she asked to see the baby, Dr. Martin nodded to Adam, who left the room. "Rebecca, I need you to listen very carefully. Little Adam's recovery from the opium is going to be slower than yours. He's still getting some. So he won't be attentive. He'll be groggy. Do you understand me?"

"Is he alright?"

"He still has opium in him. We're taking it away slowly so he doesn't go through what you've been through the last few days. So he's still sleepy…and fussy. But I'm confident he'll be alright. Do you remember that you're not feeding him?" She nodded.

When Adam entered the room Chi Mei shared with the baby, he stopped just inside the open door, watching as she sat in a rocking chair with him on her shoulder. He was whimpering, but not all out crying, and he was restless, moving his head from one side to the other as if he wanted to sleep, but couldn't.

"How is she?" asked Chi Mei.

"Better. She knows I'm not a dream and she knows where she is. She wants to see him."

Chi Mei stood up, walking to Adam and waiting for him to take the baby. He hesitated. He had resisted holding him until he was sure Little Adam would be alright. Dr. Martin had said he was confident about his recovery. But there was something…frightening…about holding him for the first time.

As if reading his thoughts, Chi Mei said, "Mr. Cartwright, it will take time, but he will come to know you as his father." She turned Little Adam around, and the child began to cry. Adam reached for him, and the baby looked up at Chi Mei and began to cry in earnest. When Adam pulled back, Chi Mei pushed the baby into his arms. "It will be good for him to see his mother and his father together."

Adam held the two-year-old to his shoulder, stroking his head, quietly shushing him as he walked down the hall to Rebecca's room. When Adam sat down on the side of the bed, Little Adam leaned toward his mother with his arms outstretched and his fingers grabbing as he cried.

She took him, holding him, kissing him, soothing him down to a whimper. Adam reached out to touch him, and the baby turned away crying again. When Adam withdrew his hand back, Rebecca grabbed it, guiding it to the child's back as she spoke to Little Adam in a low, soft voice. "This is your father, my precious." She gave the baby back to Adam, and though the baby fussed, she spoke reassuringly to him. She began to sing softly, "_Early one morning…" _Then she nodded to Adam, who began to sing in a quiet voice. Little Adam raised his head, looking at Adam and mewling, but slowly quieting. Soon, he laid his head on Adam's shoulder. When Adam stopped singing, the baby put his hand on his father's chin, so Adam continued to sing until Little Adam…and his mother…fell asleep.


	10. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

It had been a quiet evening, the first one in a week. Rebecca slept, though fitfully, as Adam watched over her. Though she cried out in her sleep, still having some pain, Adam began to think that the begging and screaming was over. And for the most part it was. Mornings were the worst part of her day. She was starting to remember the last three years and would wake up in cold sweats from her nightmares as much as from the opium still in her system. When she began to stir, Adam sat on the side of her bed to help her remember she was home, but this morning, she turned away from him, crying.

"Becca?"

"If you want to leave, I understand," she whispered.

Adam's jaw dropped. "Whatever made you think I'd want to leave you, Sweetheart?"

Curling into a ball, she spoke softly between her sobs. "Because I'm…dirty…unclean. Because of all those men."

"Becca, look at me."

He didn't think she could get any tighter into her ball, but she did. "I can't."

He touched her shoulder, and she moved away from him. "Becca…you can't believe Wei's lies. I don't think you're…unclean. I love you, Sweetheart."

He took her arms in his hands, but she wriggled away, pressing herself against the headboard, looking away. "You have every right to hate me. I didn't stop them," she cried.

Adam sat back on the side of the bed and rubbed his forehead. He had hoped bringing Rebecca back wouldn't be as difficult as he had thought based on how well she had seemed the day before. Now, as his eyes became moist with tears, he had no idea how he could convince her he still wanted her if she wouldn't even look at him…wouldn't let him touch her. His words weren't enough.

"Becca, I'm going to be gone for a little while, but I'll be back. I'll leave the door open so Chi Mei can hear you call." When he reached over and laid his hand on her head, she flinched.

He left the room, and stopped to speak to Chi Mei. "How is he?" he asked, nodding toward Little Adam.

"I think he's in more pain right now. Dr. Martin just reduced his laudanum again."

Adam quietly walked to the child's bed. Seeing him lying there whimpering, sucking in several breaths and continuing to cry made Adam want to pick him up and hold him...cuddle him the way his mother did. But still, he resisted. Little Adam hadn't been comfortable in his arms. He knew that at some point, he'd have to get to know his son. But he had time. Right now, he had to save his wife.

"I left Becca's door open so you can hear if she calls. I have to leave for a little while. I'll be back as soon as I can." Chi Mei nodded.

When Adam reached the sitting area, Ben looked up from the book he'd been reading. "Adam? Something wrong?"

He turned halfway around and looked back up the stairs, then turned back to his father with his hand on the back of his neck. "She's ashamed. She's not looking at me. She's not talking to me." He let his hand drop down to his hip and bowed his head. "She told me she'd understand if I wanted to leave her. She won't listen to me. I thought I'd ask Mrs. Bailey to talk to her."

Ben nodded. "I think that's a good idea. Rebecca used to think of Mildred as sort of a mother. I stopped by while I was in town a few days ago. She's worried. I think it would be good for both of them."


	11. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

Adam opened the front door guiding Mrs. Bailey inside. "Mildred," said Ben, hurrying from the sitting area, taking both of her hands in his. "I'm glad you could come."

"Do you think anyone could have stopped me?"

"No, I don't. And I see you're prepared to stay."

"As long as I'm needed. And I can't wait to see that boy of yours," she said, turning to Adam.

"Well, he's not real fond of anyone but Chi Mei and his mother yet. But, we'll try to give you some time with him," answered Adam.

Ben took her arm and guided her to the stairs. "Let's get you settled in; then you can see Rebecca."

"I don't need to get settled. Just throw that bag in a bedroom. I want to see her."

As Ben escorted Mrs. Bailey up the stairs and down the hall, he warned her. "Now Mildred, I don't want you to be too surprised. She's not the girl you knew. She's still feeling some of the effects of the opium, and now…" he stopped and looked at Adam.

"Mrs. Bailey, I told you she needed you. The reason is that…well, she's…ashamed because of what was done to her. She's not talking to me anymore. She won't even look at me."

They stopped at the open door of Rebecca's bedroom, and Mrs. Bailey took Adam's hand. "And you figure she'll talk to me. Don't worry, Son. I know what to tell her. Now, if she'll listen…that's another story."

When they stepped into the room, Becca was standing at the window holding the baby. Chi Mei had been sitting on the side of the bed, but rose and took the baby back to his room. Rebecca drew her robe tightly around her and wrapped her arms around herself as if she was trying to hide…as if she was embarrassed standing in front of the two men. She turned and faced the wall. Mrs. Bailey walked to her and put an arm around her. "Rebecca, why don't you come spend some time with me," she said as she slowly turned with Rebecca and headed to the chair. Ben and Adam backed toward the door, and Ben turned back down the hall, but Adam lingered just outside, listening…hoping that Mrs. Bailey could talk her through this.

Mrs. Bailey sat down in the chair, drawing Rebecca down in front of her to the floor. "Now Rebecca, lay your head down right here in my lap and get it out. Then we'll talk."

Rebecca did as she was told and wept.


	12. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

Adam went to Chi Mei's room, deciding it was time for him to get to know his son in earnest. He felt sure Mrs. Bailey would take up most of Rebecca's time for, at least, the next few days, so he could spend some uninterrupted time with Little Adam. The baby fought him at first, crying, turning to Chi Mei with his arms outstretched, then butting his head against Adam's chest, squealing, but Adam let him cry or squeal until he was too tired to keep going. At that point, Adam guided the baby's head down on his shoulder and whispered, "It's alright, Little Buddy. Your pa has you." He held the baby close and rocked as he spoke to Chi Mei.

"Chi Mei, did you ever witness a viewing?" She nodded. Adam took a deep breath. "And the men who paid to touch her…they touched her wherever they wanted?"

"It depended on what they paid. There were few that could afford to pay more than to see her, but the ones who could did not have limits. Mr. Cartwright, most of them embraced her. There were only a few that chose differently. But, General Wei…" She lowered her eyes. "He was not respectful of her. He flaunted that she was his to do with as he wanted. He's the one that touched her most often…anywhere he pleased. And after he did, he stood her next to him as he washed his hands and looked at her…as though he was disgusted."

Adam's nostrils flared as he sat quietly, seething. Finally, he spoke. "What did she do when she was back in the hold?"

"First, she took care of her baby. He always came first. Then she curled into a ball and cried herself to sleep. This time was when she was the most lucid from the opium…then and whenever he threatened the baby…as though she forced herself through the opium." She looked into his eyes. "Mr. Cartwright, she is very strong." Chi Mei stood. "It is almost time for his bottle. I will bring it back up," she said, bowing and leaving the room. When she returned, she gave the bottle to Adam, who took the baby to his own room, closed the door, and sat in the chair next to the window waiting for Little Adam to wake up. "Well, Little Buddy, I don't think we can keep calling you Adam. It'll be too confusing. And I'm not gonna call you Little Adam. You have an uncle everyone calls Little Joe. One 'Little' in this family is enough." Adam looked out the window as he thought. "What if we call you AJ…for Adam Junior?"


	13. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve**

Chi Mei wandered downstairs to the kitchen, looking for something to do. It wasn't often that she was able to leave the rooms upstairs, but while Rebecca and the baby were occupied by others, she decided to get to know the rest of the house. Hop Sing was there, preparing the evening meal, and put down his stirring spoon to turn and bow. Chi Mei returned his bow and speaking in Cantonese asked in her quiet, delicate voice, "I have nothing to do at the moment. May I help?"

"You speak English very well," replied Hop Sing in his native tongue, smiling.

"I was taught. I did not have to learn on my own." She made her way to the table where a bucket of potatoes were waiting to be peeled. "May I?" Hop Sing smiled and nodded, handing her a knife. He found another and both sat down to peel.

"Hop Sing, did Miss Rebecca and her husband live here before?"

Shaking his head, Hop Sing said, "No, they have a house up on the hill."

"When she is better will they go home?"

"I do not know." He peeled a potato as he spoke. "Do you have somewhere to go?"

"Not unless I go with Miss Rebecca. If she does not need me, I do not know where I will go."

"I will make sure you have a place to go. There are many good Chinese in Virginia City. You will be able to find work there."

"I will miss them both; most of all the baby."

Hop Sing sat quietly, thinking. If he spoke with Mister Adam, maybe he would allow Chi Mei stay on. He looked up and smiled at her, thinking it would be nice if Chi Mei stayed on.


	14. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen**

Mrs. Bailey stroked the hair back away from Rebecca's face when Rebecca raised her head, wiping her face on her robe. "Now that you've got that all out, are you ready to talk about it?"

Rebecca leaned back on the side of the bed, holding her arms around her, looking away in shame.

"You know, it might make it easier to deal with if you just say what you're feeling," said Mrs. Bailey.

"He knows what Wei did. How can he even look at me?" He must think…."

"What do you think Adam thinks?"

"The way he thinks about the saloon girls in town. He'd never say anything to them; he's too polite, but he'd never take one for his wife either. As Wei told me…I'm used…I…I'm unclean," she said, tearing up.

"Hogwash. Rebecca, you did not go there willingly. And whatever Wei did to you, he did not do with your permission. He drugged you and threatened your child to get what he wanted. The only person anyone here thinks of as unworthy is General Wei, and we don't have to concern ourselves with him any longer." She paused. "Look up here at me. I want to see that you're hearing me while I tell you about your husband, because he suffered about as much as you did those three years you were gone." Rebecca looked up. "He also blamed himself for what happened to you, and he was tormented, thinking about what was being done to you. He knew at least part of what you were going through, yet he still wanted to get you back. Does that sound like a man who doesn't want you back now?" Rebecca looked away again, sniffling. "Rebecca, he looked for you, and when he couldn't find you he stopped living in the truest sense of the word. He never said so, but I know…he didn't want to live without you. There was a void…for both of us."

Over the next few days, Mrs. Bailey spent her time telling Rebecca about Adam's life for the last three years, reminding her that what had happened wasn't her fault or Adam's fault. But when she brought up Rebecca's brother, Rebecca's reaction was unexpected. She backed into a wall and began to scratch her arms again, causing Mrs. Bailey to call for help.

After Rebecca had lain down for the evening, Mrs. Bailey spoke with Adam at dinner. "Adam, do you remember how she was before…especially about her brother?" Adam nodded. "She's lost something. I don't know if she'll have the same outlook she had. She's finally seeing that there are some people that have nothing good in them. And it's a bitter dose of reality because it's her brother that she's starting to blame. I think we need to know what his part in all this was."

"She's the only one who knows that. I only have guesses."

As they sat at the dining table, Mrs. Bailey reached over and patted his arm. "We'll start on that tomorrow. And I think she's ready to come out of that room. Dinner at the table will do her good. She needs to become accustomed to being around you men again without thinking you believe she's dirty. We'll do a little at a time. Did you make any progress talking to her today?"

"I took AJ to her and sat on the side of the bed while she gave him his bottle. She wouldn't look at me. But she watched later when I got him to bounce on his legs on my lap. I actually caught her smiling."


	15. Chapter 14

**Chapter Fourteen**

Dr. Martin quietly closed the bedroom door and made his way down the stairs where the Cartwrights and Mrs. Bailey were waiting.

Adam, who had been standing at the bottom of the stairs, waited for Paul to step away from the bottom step, then asked, "How is she?"

Paul smiled. "She'll be alright, Adam. I made sure the wounds on her arms are clean and bandaged them. If you can keep her from scratching, they should heal nicely."

"I don't understand why she was upset. We didn't talk about anything that would have upset her, but I had to keep moving her hands away from her arms. It's as if just sitting at the table agitated her."

"Well, I think the opium is out of her. You said she ate some dinner that didn't come back up?" Adam nodded, waiting for Paul's explanation of the scratching. "Adam, I told you there would be leftovers from the opium, and this is one of them. It started as a nervous habit with the opium and it's become a situational habit now. She's going to scratch when she gets uncomfortable or nervous, but it's a habit that can be broken. Just keep moving her hands away…and give her long sleeves to wear."

"You said before that this may be the hardest part…after the opium is out of her. What did you mean?"

Paul sat down on the settee and crossed his legs, getting comfortable. Ben handed him a cup of coffee. "Thank you, Ben."

"Adam, her mind and her body have learned the habit of addiction. Even though the opium is gone, the habits that go with it are still there. If given the opportunity, she may try to find more opium to get the feeling she's been used to for so long. For instance, if she can't sleep, she knows that opium will help her sleep. If she can't emotionally handle something, she knows the opium will offer an escape. She's still very withdrawn, I'm sure because of what she thinks we all think of her. You need to draw her out. Start doing things with her that she used to do. Get her out of the house. Take her for a walk. Take her on a picnic. I'd save riding for later. I'm not sure how she'll react since all this started with a ride. Mrs. Bailey, I have no doubt you've been a tremendous help, but I think you can be more help to her at home. Your home is familiar to her. She feels safe with you, and Adam, I think it would be good to start visiting Mrs. Bailey on a regular basis…just like you used to…at her house." Adam nodded. "And you, Adam, need to spend time with her alone. You are the one that she needs to learn to trust again. After that, everyone else will be much easier.

"What about AJ?"

"He's definitely more alert than he was last week. And I noticed he was bouncing while Chi Mei held him for me. He's on a pretty low dose of laudanum, so we'll get him completely off in another week. I also noticed things are going into his mouth, so it looks like he's ready to chew. He's got a mouthful of teeth, so why don't you start adding some soft food to start. Once he starts eating that without much effort, give him something a little more solid, like peas or beans, eggs and soft cheese. Don't give him anything really chewy yet. He's got to learn to use those teeth. Start with a small amount before he has his bottle, then gradually add more. You should be able to reduce his bottle as you go. At this point it should be similar to weaning a twelve-month-old. And keep him moving. The more he moves, the stronger his muscles will be. He would normally be walking now and attempting to feed himself. And he's small for his age. We may not know the full affects of the opium for several years. The important thing is to keep him moving and keep introducing him to things relevant to his age. Maybe if we can catch him up while he's still very young, none of this will carry forward into his adolescence."

The next morning, Adam went to Rebecca's room to wake her. As she had before, she turned away from him. He reached over and turned her back, but she still looked away. Taking both of her arms, he drew her up next to him. She trembled as he caressed her face. "Becca, I have never stopped loving you…and I never will." His heart leaped when she looked into his eyes. It was only for a moment, but she looked.

"We're going downstairs for breakfast this morning, then we're going to take Mrs. Bailey home; all three of us. Why don't you pick out a dress?"

Rebecca eased off the bed and walked to her wardrobe, picking out a dark brown dress. Walking up behind her, Adam took the dress from her and replaced it in the closet. "How about this one?" he said, pulling out a pink dress with white and green flowers. "Go ahead and get dressed, and I'll go get AJ ready."

"AJ?" she asked quietly, holding the dress to her and casting her eyes down.

"Adam. I'm going to get Adam. We'll talk about his name later."

When Adam walked back into Rebecca's bedroom, she was dressed and was sitting in front of the mirror, putting her hair up. Holding AJ upright in his arms, Adam stood in the door watching her, smiling at the effort she was making to look…like she used to. She had lost weight and her eyes still had faint dark circles around them, but seeing her in the dress with her hair up brought Adam some hope. Her journey back was going slow, but he was glad to see some progress.

AJ was alert and had gotten comfortable in Adam's arms. He looked at his mother, gurgled and smiled, holding out one hand and grasping the air with his fingers. Rebecca rose from the chair in front of her dressing table; a piece of furniture that Adam had only recently moved back in the room. She stood with her hands clasped in front of her with her head bowed. "Come on. Let's go downstairs," said Adam.

For the first time, Adam's family left the second floor of the house together. They made their way down the stairs slowly, Adam holding AJ in one arm and holding one of Rebecca's hands while he stepped down in front of her. When the Cartwrights and Mrs. Bailey saw them together, smiles took over their faces as they stood and waited for them to reach the bottom.

"Well, let's have breakfast," said Ben, grinning.


	16. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen**

The Cartwrights and Mrs. Bailey spent most of breakfast watching as AJ got his first taste of real food…grits with butter. Adam had made a child's chair to sit high, but fit under the dining room table, and set it between him and Rebecca. Rebecca watched as Adam held a spoon to AJ's mouth while AJ sat, sputtering. Adam tried taking an animated bite while AJ watched, reaching up and grabbing Adam's lip to find where the grits had gone. He finally opened his mouth enough for Adam to get the spoon in and when he pulled the spoon out, AJ sat with his mouth open and his tongue out. When everyone laughed, AJ sputtered a laugh as well, sending grits flying across the table.

Everyone laughed but Rebecca, a tear making its way down her cheek. She stood, running toward the door as Adam called to her. "Becca! Chi Mei!" Chi Mei rushed in from the kitchen. "Finish feeding AJ, please," said Adam as he ran to the door and outside, stopping and looking. "Becca!" He ran toward the barn and caught movement to his left. She was running toward the meadow that stretched behind the house. "Becca!" he yelled, running after her.

Joe and Hoss stood when Adam ran out the door, but Ben called them off. "But Pa…" started Hoss.

"Adam and Rebecca need to work this out between them, Hoss," said Ben calmly, giving Hoss an understanding look.

Adam never realized that Rebecca could run so fast. He was catching up, but it was taking longer than he expected…long enough that she might make it to the trees at the other side of the meadow before he caught her.

"Becca!"

She was tiring quickly, allowing Adam to overcome her. He grabbed her and both tumbled to the ground out of breath.

"Becca," Adam gasped. He rolled her over on her back and covered her, holding her in his arms. "Why are you running away?" he said between deep breaths. She shook her head, unable to speak through her tears. Adam sat up, bringing Rebecca up against him.

With her face buried in his shoulder, she finally managed to speak. "I did that to him. I knew it would hurt him, and I did it anyway," she said between heavy sobs.

"You had no choice. You did what you had to do to save him."

"I don't deserve him. Just let me go back to the mountain. Everyone will be better off without me," she cried.

Adam raised her face to his. "Look at me." She turned away, and he gently took her chin and turned her back to him. "Neither one of us will be better off without you. We love you." Adam silently rejoiced when she looked him in the eye. "Becca, Wei took you away from me. Now that I have you back, I'm not letting him win." She took several short, deep breaths and exhaled into a cautious calm. Adam kissed her forehead, then moved to her cheek, lingering there. He looked back to her eyes, then gently touched her lips with his…their first kiss since she had been taken over three years ago. "Everyone is waiting for us. Are you ready to go back?" Wiping away her tears, she nodded. Adam took her hand and guided her back to the house.


	17. Chapter 16

**Chapter Sixteen**

Rebecca hesitated, leaning on the side of the open door after everyone else had walked outside. Mrs. Bailey and Chi Mei were sitting in the back of the buggy when Adam passed AJ to Chi Mei, then turned for Rebecca. He held his hand out to her, but she slowly backed up, terrified at the prospect of leaving the relative safety of the house. "Excuse me," said Adam, turning to the others before he walked to the door and followed Rebecca in.

She was still backing up, heading toward the stairs when Adam stepped inside and approached her. "Becca, we'll be at Mrs. Bailey's house."

"Why do we have to go there? She can stay here."

"Because Paul says it's time for you to get out of the house."

"I don't want to leave the house," she said, grasping the post at the bottom of the stairs.

"You were ready to go to the mountain earlier," he said, smiling.

"No one would find me on the mountain. I would be safe there."

Adam's mouth dropped open. "Becca, you're safe here. No one will take you away. I won't let that happen again."

"Please, don't make me go," she whispered.

Her plea pulled at his heartstrings. Still, he knew he had to get her away from the house. If he didn't do it now, he'd never get her out. "Mrs. Bailey and Chi Mei are waiting in the buggy," he said as he walked up to her, holding his hand out. "You'll be sitting next to me the entire time, Sweetheart." Her eyes showed panic as he put his arm around her waist, pulling her into him and walking her outside to the buggy. He picked her up and placed her on the seat of the buggy, then came up next to her, moving her across the seat and wrapping her arm around his. "Hold on to me."

Throughout the entire two hour ride into town, Adam felt her tremble. She held onto his arm as if her life depended on it, an occasional tear finding its way down her cheek. When they arrived at Mrs. Bailey's house, Rebecca rushed inside with her head bowed, hoping no one in town had seen her. She was dirty…unclean…and she was sure that Virginia City knew it.

Mrs. Bailey immediately pulled her to the settee and sat down next to her. "Listen to me, Rebecca. There is no one here who wants to hurt you." Taking her hand, she broached the subject both she and Adam were dreading. "Robbie can't hurt you."

Rebecca looked up toward the door and held her breath. She had tried not to think about Robbie, and she didn't want to think about him now.

Adam knelt in front of her. "Becca, what happened to Robbie?" Her chin quivered, and she closed her eyes as tears began to flow.

"He argued with the man who was in charge. Robbie wanted to let me go after he got money from you. But the other man said it was too dangerous; that they'd be found out. He told Robbie I would be sold, and no one would ever see me again. Then he took my wedding band out of his pocket and handed it to Robbie. He told him that was all he was going to get…to take it and leave. Robbie left, but he came back and tried to get me out of the back of the wagon. They shot him and left him there."

"Becca, listen to me. There is no one in Virginia City who wants to take you or hurt you. There's no reason for you to be afraid."

"But they all know, don't they? They all know what Wei did to me."

Mrs. Bailey pulled her into her side, guiding Rebecca's head to her shoulder. "Child, there isn't a person in this town who hasn't hoped all along that you'd be found. What happened to you could happen to any other woman or girl here. No one wants that, and no one thinks anything about you other than being happy that you're home. Now, we are all going to the kitchen, and you and I are going to make lunch."

While Chi Mei fed AJ applesauce, Mrs. Bailey and Rebecca prepared fried chicken and biscuits. Giving Rebecca something to do that she had done before seemed to calm her, occupying her mind, keeping her fears at bay. Adam watched, smiling at the familiar sight of his wife busily working in the kitchen. He looked across at AJ who appeared to have found something that he liked and was willing to keep inside his mouth. He was taking it as fast as Chi Mei could shovel it in. Mrs. Bailey sat a small bowl of mashed potatoes down next to the applesauce. "Don't give him too much of the applesauce. It will make his tummy hurt." Chi Mei tried the mashed potatoes which AJ promptly held out on his tongue. Then she added just a touch of applesauce to it, and he happily swallowed.


	18. Chapter 17

**Chapter Seventeen**

The ride home from Mrs. Bailey's was uneventful. Rebecca seemed more relaxed, although she sat as close to Adam's side as she could and still hold AJ, who was sleeping soundly with a full tummy of solid, though soft, food. Rebecca had always enjoyed the scenery on the ride to and from town, but now, she refused to look around, keeping her eyes either fixed on her hands or on the baby.

This was the first time that Chi Mei had been able to ride into town, and she was enjoying the beauty around her. Having been used to the view of never-ending water or the hustle and bustle of the ports, she hadn't seen countryside like this since her childhood at her parent's home in China. She decided this would be a nice place to live, if only the Cartwrights would allow her to stay.

When they arrived at home, Ben heard the buggy enter the yard and rushed out to greet them. Holding his hands out to Rebecca, he asked, "May I?" nodding toward the baby. Adam bent next to Rebecca's face, speaking quietly, "Grandpa hasn't met his grandson yet." Looking into Adam's eyes nervously, her posture eased a bit when she saw his smile, then she passed a still-sleeping AJ to his grandfather.

Adam helped both women out of the buggy, and Chi Mei asked to be excused to the kitchen to see if Hop Sing needed any help. As she walked away, Adam followed her with his eyes with a slight smile and cocked head. He and Rebecca were left alone in the yard.

Holding his hand out to her, he asked, "Would you take a walk with me?"

She looked at his hand, then looked away. "Where?"

"Not far. It's a nice evening. I thought you might like to stay outside for a while longer." He took her hand, beckoning her to walk with him. They walked to the corral where the Cartwright's horses were grazing, and all the while Rebecca looked at the ground. "Becca, there's not much interesting on the ground. Look up…look around you." She raised her head, turning it slightly and cutting her eyes to the left and right, then looking forward at the horses.

"Do you know what happened to Choco?" she asked suddenly, stepping up to the corral fence and looking over it at the horses.

"I assumed that the men who took you kept her."

Rebecca shook her head. "They sent her over a cliff into the river near Slippery Ford, saddle and all. They said she'd just slow them down, and the fifty dollars they'd get for her wasn't worth taking her along. They said it would be too risky to sell her with a Ponderosa brand, even if they covered it. I remember watching her slide down the rocks into a deep pool, then over the edge of that." Tears ran down her cheeks. "I couldn't cry…I didn't feel…anything."

Adam pulled her into him and held her close. "That was the opium, Becca. Not you. I know you loved that horse."

"Choco was one of the first things you ever gave me…besides my scarf. I don't know what happened to my scarf."

Adam looked to the side in thought, Becca having triggered a memory. "Why don't we go back to the house? I'll bet AJ is awake." He wrapped his arm around her waist and walked with her toward the house.

"You never told me why you call him AJ."

"Well, I could see 'Adam' getting confusing, and we already have a 'little'…one's enough," he said, smiling down at her. AJ is for Adam, Junior. Does he have a middle name?"

"No. I thought maybe Robert after my father, but then Robbie's name was Robert, too. So, I didn't give him a middle name."

"Well, then AJ is perfect. I don't have a middle name either."


	19. Chapter 18

**Chapter Eighteen**

Rebecca awoke to a knock at her bedroom door. As she willed her way to wakening, there was another knock, then the sound of the latch opening. She looked up and saw AJ's little face through the crack in the door, and soon, Adam was pushing through behind him. Cradling AJ in this arm, he said, "See, Mama's right here." When Adam passed AJ to his mother, she smiled: no, she grinned a big, bright, beautiful grin that took over her face. Adam froze for a moment, looking intently at her, remembering the smile that made his stomach flutter…Becca's smile was back. As she cuddled AJ, he sat on the bed next to her. "I have something for you," he said as she watched him pull a blue scarf out of his pocket.

Her mouth dropped open, and she caught her breath. "You found it?" she asked, looking from the scarf to his eyes and back to the scarf.

"Joe found it when we were searching for you by the lake."

"You kept it."

"It's always been with me. Except when you came home, I asked Hop Sing to have it cleaned," he said as he tied it around her neck.

Her fingers grasped the scarf as she looked at him…like she used to…as if she loved him. "Thank you."

Touching her face, he answered, "You're welcome."

The entire Cartwright family had breakfast together that morning. While Rebecca fed AJ eggs, Adam talked about going to town again. "We could drop Chi Mei and AJ off at Mrs. Bailey's. I'm sure she'd enjoy the company. She hasn't had that much time with AJ. I thought you and I might have a nice dinner out, maybe at the International House." Rebecca lowered her hands to her lap and bowed her head. "Becca, you used to enjoy going into town." She glanced up at him, then left the table and stood in the middle of the sitting room. She jumped when Adam touched her arms. "Sweetheart, you have nothing to be afraid of. I'll be with you."

"But you don't know what any of them think," she said quietly, moving her hands to her arms. Though her long sleeves prevented her from tearing her skin, she scratched. Adam moved her hands and held them as he turned her around to face him. "Most of them have asked about you and have sent their well wishes. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't want to see you up and around." He took her face in his hands. "The only one who thinks those things is you…and you need to stop," he said, bending to gently kiss her. "Why don't we take some of Hop Sing's roast beef and fresh bread and have lunch with Mrs. Bailey? Then, when we go out for the evening, if you get too uncomfortable, we can go right back to Mrs. Bailey's."

After getting everything packed up, including lunch and clothes for dinner, Adam drove Rebecca, Chi Mei and AJ into town. Adam watched Rebecca sitting beside him, mostly looking down, but every now and again, something would catch her eye and she'd look out and smile. After lunch, she sat with Adam on the swing on Mrs. Bailey's front porch while Chi Mei and Mrs. Bailey played with AJ. The child had just begun to crawl, and Mrs. Bailey couldn't keep up with him, so Chi Mei stayed to scoop him up if he went too far. AJ was happily laughing and squealing, but so far, he hadn't attempted to say anything.

Several people walked by the house, and when they saw Adam and Rebecca sitting on the porch they stopped to say hello. Rebecca smiled timidly, but when she looked up, she didn't look directly at them. Still, Adam was pleased by her effort.

When they were dressing for dinner, Rebecca sat on the bed and watched him. When he looked at her, she looked away. Pulling a chair in front of her, he sat down. "What is it, Becca?"

"I remember…asking if you forgot about me." Adam reached for her hand, and she pulled back at first, but then slowly gave it to him. Tears escaped her eyes, and she reached up and wiped them away. "I…at least part of me…hated you." A quiet sob found its way out. "I didn't know why you hadn't come for me. And then you did. I remember when you took me from the ship."

"Becca, when we got back from Timm's place…where we went to look at the bull, I looked for you. We went to the lake, and that's where Joe found your scarf. After that, Hoss and I tracked you all the way to San Francisco, but by the time we got there, Wei had already taken you out to sea." She moved a finger to his lips, and he closed his eyes, remembering the touch he was feeling again. He took her hand in his, holding it to his lips.

"Mrs. Bailey told me."

As Adam held her hands, he moved to the edge of the chair. "Becca, I looked for you, but once Wei took you out to sea…I had to trust others to find you."

"I know," she whispered, raising her hand to his face, caressing his cheek. "Mrs. Bailey told me."

When Adam and Rebecca were ready for dinner, Adam escorted her out of the house and down the front stairs while Mrs. Bailey stood on the porch saying goodbye.

Adam guided her to the boardwalk, but when she looked in front of them she tensed at the sight of so many people walking through town. She moved sideways into Adam, and ended up standing halfway behind him, making him wince at the tightness of her hold on his arm.

He pulled her back to his side, placing her hand on top of his arm. "Becca, we are going to walk up this sidewalk. I know you're frightened, but you have no reason to be. The more we do this, the easier it will get." He guided her forward and thought she might shatter, she was so stiff, and though it was difficult to get her to take each step, they eventually made it to the International House.

When they arrived at the restaurant, Adam requested a table in a back corner that was separated from the rest and somewhat private. He seated her against the back wall so she could see the entire restaurant, and rather than sitting across from her, sat at the side of the table that allowed him the same view.

During dinner, she kept her head bowed, but occasionally glanced up, quickly looking back down. The other patrons of the restaurant watched the two Cartwrights in the corner out of mild curiosity, but kept a polite distance.

"Becca, how would you like to get away for a few days? I thought we could go up to the shack by the small lake up on the summit. Just you, me and AJ. We can do some fishing."

She smiled timidly. "I don't think I like fish anymore."

"Oh? You used to love fried fish."

Her smile disappeared. "My meals on the ship consisted mostly of fish and rice."

Adam put his fork down and frowned. "Becca, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring back bad memories."

"Well, it wasn't fried. Maybe it won't seem the same."

He smiled, understanding she was trying. "Does that mean you'd like to go?"

"I'll go," she said softly, leaning back in her chair. "I'm sorry, Adam, but I don't have the appetite I used to."

Adam looked at her plate. She had barely eaten anything. He sat back and watched her for a moment, noticing that she was holding her arms tightly to her side, even when she took a bite. She was trying to make herself…invisible. He had known she would be nervous this evening, but the realization that being seen…by anyone…would trouble her so much was disconcerting. He thought that if she had a choice, she'd stay in her bedroom alone except for AJ…and maybe him.

Unfortunately, he didn't get to pursue it with her. The restaurant manager arrived at their table, whispering in his ear. "Dr. Martin sent a message. He asked that you go back to Mrs. Bailey's house right away."


	20. Chapter 19

**Chapter Nineteen**

Adam had no trouble getting Rebecca out of the restaurant and back to Mrs. Bailey's house after he relayed Dr. Martin's message. She was afraid for her child, but when Dr. Martin met them at the door, the first thing he told them was that the baby was alright.

"It's Mrs. Bailey. She collapsed, complaining of chest pain."

"Where is she? Is she alright?" asked Rebecca, almost frantically as she stepped into the parlor looking around.

Adam stepped behind Rebecca, holding her shoulders when Paul looked at him gravely. "Rebecca, she's in her room resting, but before you see her, I want you to know what's happened." He motioned to a chair. "Please, sit down while I explain."

On the verge of tears, she looked back over her shoulder at Adam, who nodded. "Let's sit down and listen to what Paul has to say." He pulled a chair next to her and held her hand while Paul spoke.

"Rebecca, Mrs. Bailey is eighty-years-old. This isn't uncommon in people her age. It's her heart. It's not beating as it should."

Rebecca trembled and her breathing quickened. "Will she be alright?"

Paul lowered his head, taking a deep breath, then looked back up at her. "She doesn't have very long. I gave her something, but I'm afraid I can only make her comfortable."

Adam looked at Paul with a furrowed brow and deep frown. Paul answered his look by shaking his head.

Rebecca wiped tears away from her cheek. "Can I see her?"

"Yes, she's asking for you," answered Dr. Martin. "But I wanted you to be prepared. She's very weak."

Rebecca rose and nodded, slowly walking toward Mrs. Bailey's bedroom, and Adam followed.

"Just the two people I wanted to see," Mrs. Bailey whispered when she saw them enter her room. "Both of you come over here. I have something to tell you." The bun that Adam and Rebecca were accustomed to had been taken down, her long, silver hair draped over one shoulder and lying neatly on the pink flowered spread that covered her. Rebecca sat on the side of the bed with Adam standing behind her. "Did I ever tell you that I had three children?" Mrs. Bailey said in a weak, soft voice.

"No, you didn't," answered Rebecca.

Speaking between deep breaths, Mrs. Bailey began, "None of them lived to adulthood. My firstborn son died of the fever when he was about your Little Adam's age. My second child, another boy, was killed in an accident in the town where we lived. He ran in front of a stagecoach heading out of town. And my daughter…" Mrs. Bailey took Rebecca's hand and pulled her closer. "My Rebecca was attacked by a man who had his way with her when she was sixteen. When she found out she was expecting a child because of it, she took her own life." Both Rebecca and Adam dropped their jaws in shock. "When you found me in church and told me your name was Rebecca, I thought that God had truly sent me an angel. I felt that even more strongly when Adam told me he felt the same way about you. There's something special in you, Rebecca. You and Adam had something special. I don't want you to let General Wei take that away from you, the same way that rapist took my daughter." Adam squeezed Rebecca's shoulders. "Now, I've told you everything you need to hear. The man standing behind you loves you, and it doesn't matter what Wei did to you. I want you to promise me you'll trust Adam. Promise me. I want to hear it."

"I promise," said Rebecca softly, her chin quivering.

Tears welled in Mrs. Bailey's eyes as she looked up and whispered. "I can rest easy knowing all my children are in good hands now." She closed her eyes and released her last breath.

Adam looked out the window by the bed and let his tears flow down his cheeks. Rebecca held Mrs. Bailey's hand, laying her head down on the bed next to her and quietly wept.


	21. Chapter 20

**Chapter Twenty**

The ride to the Ponderosa was silent with Rebecca sitting next to Adam, but not touching him. She sat with her feet together and her hands clasped in her lap, looking down at nothing in particular. Adam let her sit, lost in his own grief at the unexpected tragedy. It had happened so fast; only an hour had passed from the time Mrs. Bailey collapsed until she died. Adam had grown to trust Mrs. Bailey with his innermost feelings. He could sit with her without saying a word, and she knew both what was troubling him, and what she should say to make it all make sense. She was the only one he trusted to do the same for Rebecca. Now she was gone. Had she said enough to bring Rebecca back?

Rebecca was blank. She didn't feel anything…only numbness. It was as if she were still stuck in a bad dream and when she was just about to wake from it the nightmare sucked her back in. She thought of only one thing…escape.

When they arrived at the Ponderosa, Adam helped Chi Mei, who had been holding AJ, out of the back seat. She disappeared into the kitchen with the child, knowing there would be a discussion in the sitting room that did not involve her.

Rebecca sat motionless on the seat. Other than the jars and bumps of the road, she hadn't moved since they left Virginia City. "Becca?" said Adam, leaning into the buggy. He took her hand, and it felt lifeless in his. He lifted her off the seat, leaning down and putting her feet on the ground. "Let's go inside," he said as he walked with her toward the house, thinking that if he let her go, she'd drop to the ground as if she had no bones.

Ben had seen Chi Mei whisk AJ into the kitchen, then when he watched Adam bringing Rebecca into the house, he became alarmed and stood. "Adam, what's happened?"

Suddenly, Rebecca was alert again. "I'm going upstairs. I want to lie down."

"I'll help you," said Adam.

"No, it's alright. I'm just going to lie down. You don't have to come up with me." She walked to the stairs and ascended, then disappeared around the corner without looking back.

Adam turned to his father. "Pa, I don't know how to say this."

Ben waited quietly for Adam to say what he needed to say, seeing the pain in his son's face, the red eyes, the mouth turned in a deep frown.

Clearing his throat, Adam started to speak, but only a hoarse sound came out. He stopped, and took a deep breath. "Mrs. Bailey…she's…gone."

"Gone?"

"Yeah, Pa. Paul said her heart gave out on her."

Sadness took over Ben's face as he looked out across the room, then reached back feeling for the arm of the chair. Without looking, he lowered himself down.

Adam went to the blue chair and sat down as well, both men remaining quiet for awhile. They heard a horse approach the house, but neither moved to see who was there. In only another minute, Hoss came through the door. "You know if that Little Joe doesn't start takin' work seriously, we ain't never…" Hoss stopped and looked at both men. "What's wrong?"

"Mrs. Bailey has passed away," answered Ben, glancing up at Hoss.

"Oh, I'm real sorry to hear that. Rebecca must be takin' it real hard."

"She went up to her room to lie down," said Adam. He looked up to the top of the stairs and got up. "What was I thinking letting her go up there by herself? She's probably crying herself sick. Excuse me," he said as he climbed the stairs.

When Rebecca reached the top of the stairs, she walked down the hall past her bedroom and into the baby's room. Dr. Martin had said AJ was still getting some opium. She looked on the bed table, on top of the chest of drawers, then opened the upper door of the chest, finding a full bottle of laudanum. Taking the bottle and closing the chest door, she quickly made her way to her own room and quietly closed the door. She sat on the side of her bed, looking at the bottle, remembering how easy it was to…not care. Adam wanted this out of her, but surely just the amount that was in the laudanum couldn't hurt her. After all, they were giving it to the baby. It would only be this one time…when she really needed it. She pulled the cork out of the bottle, held it to her lips, closed her eyes and turned the bottle up. She only took a few swallows, but after a few minutes, felt nothing, so she drank the rest of the bottle. It only took a few more minutes for her to fall backwards onto the bed, the bottle falling to the floor.

Adam knocked on her door, and getting no answer, he turned the knob and slowly pushed it open. Rebecca was lying on the bed as though she had sat down and lain back. "Becca?" He took a few more steps, then saw the bottle on the floor, kneeling to pick it up. Hurrying back out of the room he yelled down from the top of the stairs, "Send Chi Mei up here now!"

"Adam, what's wrong?"

He held up the bottle. "She took laudanum. Hoss, find little Joe and send him into town for Paul. Tell him to tell Paul that she drank a bottle of laudanum. Then come back. I'm gonna need your help."

Chi Mei ran in from the kitchen, holding AJ. "Chi Mei, do you know how much was in this bottle of laudanum?"

"It was a new bottle. It was full."

"Pa, Hop Sing has an herb…I can't remember what it's called. It will make her throw up. Would you ask him to prepare it to give to Becca?"

"Mr. Cartwright, Hop Sing is not here. I know it." She passed AJ to Ben. "I will prepare it," she said, running back to the kitchen.

Adam disappeared back around the corner. He sat down on the bed next to Rebecca and pulled her up in his arms, gently slapping her face. "Becca," he said loudly. "Becca, wake up."

She groaned and turned her head. "Let Wei kill me. I don't care anymore," she said, her speech slurred so badly Adam could hardly understand what she said. "Becca, come on, Sweetheart. Wake up."

Hoss hurried into the room and winced at the sight of her. "Adam, Joe's on his way. What d'ya want me to do next?"

"Get some towels and a bucket and bring some hot water up…and some clean cloths. Becca," he said, patting her cheeks. "Wake up."

Chi Mei came into the room carrying a cup and a teapot. Ben joined them after putting AJ down to sleep. While Chi Mei poured a cup of tea, Ben took the towel he brought with him and laid it over Rebecca's chest under her chin. "What can I do?"

"Help me hold her up while I try to get this tea in her." Ben put his arm around her shoulders and held her while Adam stood over her, opening her mouth with one hand while pouring the tea in her mouth. She choked and spat and began tossing her head back and forth. "Pa, hold her head still. I have to get some of this down." Again, Adam poured the tea in her mouth.

Hoss arrived with buckets, towels and hot water, and by the time he placed the bucket in front of Rebecca just below Adam, she was already starting to heave. Ben pulled her forward, as it began to come out. Adam handed Chi Mei the cup and took a towel from Hoss, laying it in her lap. "Hand me a warm cloth." He began wiping her forehead and face between retches. When she stopped, Adam forced her to drink more of the tea which started the vomiting all over again. He didn't stop until nothing else came up.


	22. Chapter 21

**Chapter Twenty-One **

When Paul arrived at the Ponderosa, the house was quiet. Joe escorted him inside. Paul found Ben sitting in the leather chair, staring into the fire.

"Ben?"

"Oh, Paul," he said as he rose.

"Joe tells me Rebecca drank a bottle of laudanum."

Ben nodded. "Yes, she did. Adam remembered an herb that would make her vomit. Hop Sing had it, so Chi Mei made tea. Adam thinks she got most of it out."

"They're upstairs?"

"Yes," answered Ben, motioning for Paul to accompany him up the stairs. When Paul entered the room, Hoss left, going downstairs.

"How is she?" asked Joe.

"She's sleeping. She looks awfully pale, though," answered Hoss.

Paul found Adam on the bed, sitting up against the headboard, Rebecca's head lying on a pillow over his legs. "Adam?"

Brushing Rebecca's hair back away from her face, Adam replied, "I think she got it all out. I left the bucket over there," he said, nodding toward the window.

Paul looked in the bucket. "The whole bottle?" Adam nodded. "How long has she been sleeping?"

"About an hour. She wakes up every now and then crying, but then goes right back to sleep."

"Well, I can't give her anything else. I wouldn't leave her alone tonight or for the next several days. I'm taking AJ off the laudanum. He's on such a low dose now, he might as well just come off of it. I'll take the rest of the laudanum you have in the house with me. Out of curiosity, how did you know about lobelia?"

Adam exhaled and turned his head in thought. "I don't know, Paul. I must have heard it or read it somewhere."

"Well, it's a good thing you remembered it. It would have been a real setback for her if you hadn't gotten it out as quickly as you did. I'll go talk to Chi Mei about AJ. At this point, there's nothing more to be done."

"Do you mean this isn't what you'd consider a setback?"

"Physically, no. I should have warned you that she might try something like this after the day you both have had. Remember what I said about the habit. She was looking for an escape."

Adam nodded. "Thanks for coming, Paul."

Adam slowly moved off the bed. He went to his room, taking his night shirt out of a drawer, pulling his robe out of the wardrobe and collecting his slippers, taking everything into Rebecca's room. First he got her changed into her nightgown and straightened the blankets on the bed, then he changed into his nightshirt and slipped under the covers, holding her while she slept. Several times during the night she woke crying, and each time he'd calm her until she went back to sleep.


	23. Chapter 22

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

When Rebecca woke up, she found Adam sitting in a chair next to the bed reading.

"Good morning," he said. "How do you feel?" She turned over on her side, facing him, but said nothing. "Well, at least you didn't turn away from me," he said with just a touch of anger in his voice. She opened her mouth to talk, but only a faint, hoarse noise came out. "I'll bet your throat hurts." She nodded. He reached over to the night table and poured a glass of water. "This should help."

She sat up and leaned against the headboard. "Thank you," she whispered.

He pulled the chair up to the side of the bed. "Becca, why didn't you tell me you needed…something?" She cast her eyes down, a tear dropping into the glass of water she was holding. Adam moved to the side of the bed next to her.

"I just wanted a little…to not feel," she whispered. "But I didn't feel any different with just a little, so I took more."

"Becca, do you want to be addicted?" he asked sternly.

"No."

"Don't you know that laudanum is made with opium? If we hadn't gotten it out of you, you might have had to start over."

Her crying was soundless because of her raw throat, but tears were raining down. "I'm sorry."

Adam pulled her into his arms, but she kept her arms in front of her. "Wei pushed me up against those men, and they'd move their hands down my back and…they made me feel…helpless."

He turned his head to whisper in her ear. "Becca, you're not helpless here. And I would never hurt you like that." She moved her arms around him and held him tightly.

When she had stopped crying, Adam sat her up. "Do you think you can eat a little breakfast?"

"I'm not hungry."

"I know, but Dr. Martin said it would help to put something in your stomach. And I know this is hard for you, but we have to talk about Mrs. Bailey's final wishes." Rebecca turned and tried to push away, but Adam held her to him. "Listen to me. I know this is hard. I know this hurts. I'm hurting, too. But death is part of life. She wasn't afraid, and I don't believe she was in pain. Do you remember what she said? She said she could rest easy." He looked into her eyes as he brushed her hair back. "Her attorney is coming by today to talk to us."

"Will you stay with me?"

"I won't leave your side."

She got up, dressed and went downstairs with Adam. The rest of the Cartwrights were already seated along with Chi Mei, who was busy feeding AJ. When Chi Mei started to rise, Adam motioned for her to stay, seating Rebecca on the other side of AJ and taking the seat next to her at the end of the table.

Adam poured a glass of milk. "This will probably feel good on your throat. Do you want to try some eggs?" She glanced up at him, then slightly nodded.

The Cartwright men spent most of breakfast discussing the work of the day until they were interrupted by a chattering AJ. He reached over to his mother, grabbing her sleeve, and said, "mamamamama."

Rebecca looked over at AJ wide-eyed, and a shaky smile began to form on her lips as she lifted the child out of the high chair and brought him into her lap. By that time, Adam was up and kneeling at her side, grinning widely at AJ's first word as the others celebrated with laughter.


	24. Chapter 23

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

Adam brought Rebecca and AJ out to the front porch while he chopped wood for the fire, a chore he could do without leaving her. He watched as she played with the child, imagining this was the way she would be with him if the last three years were erased; happy, laughing and baby-talking while AJ responded in kind. Adam stopped chopping and walked over to the porch, taking AJ and raising him up over his head, sparking another round of squeals and gurgles from his son…and laughter from his wife.

He was disappointed that the magic had to end when a buggy came into the yard bearing Mrs. Bailey's attorney. Passing the baby back to Rebecca, Adam walked out to the buggy. "Mr. Harris," said Adam, holding out his hand.

"Mr. Cartwright," responded the man, taking Adam's hand, and then tipping his hat to Rebecca. "If the two of you are ready, I have Mrs. Bailey's will to be read." He continued speaking as they walked into the house. "I will tell you right off Mrs. Bailey left everything to Mrs. Cartwright, but I'm sure you know the legal ramifications of that."

Chi Mei came into the sitting area and took AJ, and Adam guided Rebecca to the leather chair near the fireplace, sitting on the hearth next to her while Mr. Harris sat on the settee and spread his documents in front of him on the coffee table.

"Before we get started, can I offer you something to drink?" asked Adam.

"No, Mr. Cartwright, I don't expect this to take more than few minutes. Mrs. Bailey's husband was a banker. She inherited his business ventures and investments. Now, I said everything, so I should read you the list. All money in two accounts at the Virginia City Bank totaling $20,252.38. I have the account numbers here," he said, pointing to another piece of paper. "All stocks in the Virginia City Bank vault listed there with the account numbers. All jewelry in the Virginia City Bank vault, also on the list," he said, nodding at the same piece of paper. Property in Sacramento consisting of a house and small barn currently being rented. "Fifty percent ownership in a cattle ranch, dairy and creamery, the…ah…Meder Ranch located north of Santa Cruz on the coast. Property in Virginia City consisting of a house and small barn and including all personal property inside the house and anywhere on the property. The approximate worth of the estate is $250,000. Now, Mrs. Cartwright, Mrs. Bailey specifically listed you however, because you are married, by default, your husband takes control of the estate. Mr. Cartwright, I have a letter for you," he said, reaching across the table toward Adam, who leaned forward and took the envelope. "This letter lists some things Mrs. Bailey wanted Mrs. Cartwright to keep…ah…family heirlooms, I believe. Now if you'll just sign at the bottom of these documents, I have the deeds to the properties with me, and the Virginia City Bank has been given notice to transfer everything at the bank to you."

Adam had been watching Rebecca while the will was read. Her demeanor never changed. She sat with her hands clasped in her lap and her head bowed with a blank expression on her face. He reached over and squeezed her hand, then leaned forward to the table and signed the documents.

"Thank you, Mr. Cartwright. Here are the property deeds, and this is the rest of the property documentation," he said, handing Adam a thick folder. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm on my way to Placerville to read a will there."

"Of course, Mr. Harris. If I have questions, may I contact you?" asked Adam.

"Mrs. Bailey kept all the parts of her estate very organized. I doubt you'll have any, but of course, whatever service I can provide."

Adam walked Mr. Harris to the door. When he came back, Rebecca hadn't moved. He sat down next to her. "Are you alright?"

"I don't know if I can go back in the house."

"You don't have to if you don't want to. I won't do anything until you feel you can talk about it."

"I'd like to lie down now, if that's alright."

Adam stood up and held out his hand. "Come on. I'll go upstairs with you." Rebecca took his hand and quietly walked up the stairs without looking up. She sat down on the side of the bed, removing her shoes, then laid back. Adam sat on the side of the bed next to her, holding her hand. "What can I do to help you?"

"I don't want to think about this." Her tears began to flow. "I don't want to feel. I don't want to think about her being…gone."

Adam lifted her up to him, holding her tightly. "Mrs. Bailey told me there was no use trying to talk until you get all the tears out." He held her as she cried.


	25. Chapter 24

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

Mrs. Bailey's funeral was held the day after the attorney read the will. Adam had slept in the room with Rebecca again. When she awoke, he had her dress lying over her dressing table chair. He stayed with her while she dressed, ate breakfast with her, and when they arrived at the Virginia City cemetery, he kept her close. During the entire service she looked straight ahead, her face wet with tears, staring out at nothing. The only way Adam knew she was conscious was that her eyes were open, and she was standing upright.

After the service, Mrs. Lewis approached them. "Rebecca, I know how you and Mildred were. I know you loved each other. I'm so sorry this had to happen now." Rebecca stared forward.

"Mrs. Lewis, I know she heard you," explained Adam. "She's taking this hard."

"I understand, Mr. Cartwright. I'd like to come by and see her when she's ready. Mildred asked me to collect some fabric and notions for her. She thought keeping her busy with something she enjoyed before…well, Mildred said she enjoyed the sewing…Rebecca was so good at it…Mildred thought keeping her busy would help."

"Mrs. Lewis, I'm sure Mrs. Bailey knew what she was talking about. Why don't you give us until next week and then come by. Maybe by then, Becca will be…better."

Adam sat with Rebecca in the back of the buggy on the way home while his father drove. Joe and Hoss had ridden their horses and followed behind. The ride was quiet until Rebecca suddenly spoke.

"Adam, what do you think the chances are of finding Robbie?"

"Uh…why do you want to find Robbie?

"I want him brought back."

"Becca, it's been three years since he was shot. There's not going be much to bring back."

"Do you think you could find him?"

"Becca…" Adam wasn't sure where this was coming from…if it was some delusion brought on by her grief or if it was real. "We could try, Sweetheart, but we should talk about this at home…in a few days." Rebecca resumed her trance.

Over the next week, Rebecca seemed to retreat into her dazed state whenever AJ was not occupying her. Adam had asked her to move into his bedroom, and all the furniture and accessories had been moved back into the guest room she had occupied. They were sleeping in the same bed now, even though Adam always wore his nightshirt and never tried anything more than holding her while she slept. Rebecca was getting used to having him there, but still cringed whenever his touch seemed more than just a hug or kiss.

The day Mrs. Lewis visited, however, brought about another slow change. She explained to Rebecca that Mrs. Bailey had asked her to bring over fabric and notions to give her something to do. Rebecca seemed excited in a very quiet way…her eyes lit up at the prospect of making herself new clothes. She spent her days sewing and taking a bigger part in caring for AJ. She used some of the fabric to make clothes for AJ as well. With her time occupied, Adam was able to resume some responsibilities around the ranch, leaving for a few hours during the day to take care of ranch business. At first, Rebecca was upset, but eventually remained calm with the knowledge that one of the Cartwrights was there.

It was Friday night, and Adam had already ended his day and was sitting in the blue chair letting AJ bounce while he waited for dinner. Rebecca sat in the leather chair and sewed.

"Becca, how would you like to take that fishing trip this weekend? We could leave tomorrow morning and come back Monday." She laid her sewing in her lap, clasped her hands and bowed her head as she always did when she was addressed. "Why do you stop what you're doing when I talk to you? And why don't you look at me?"

She slowly lifted her eyes. "I'm sorry."

Adam smiled. "You don't need to be sorry. I just don't want you to feel…" he stopped, remembering how Mrs. Bailey spoke to her. "What are you feeling now that makes it hard to look at me?"

Adam watched her eyes move and knew she was thinking. "I was waiting to be told what to do. I was not to look at Wei. If I did, I was punished."

"Becca, I'm not Wei. I miss the way you used to look at me."

She smiled and sat back in the chair, looking at him.

"Would you like to take a few days and go up to Echo Lake…just the three of us?"

She nodded.

After dinner, Adam gathered the supplies they would need, along with their clothes, and several fishing poles that had withstood many trips to the creek.


	26. Chapter 25

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

Adam, Rebecca and AJ left for Echo Lake at first light. AJ hadn't awakened at all and was sleeping in Rebecca's arms. The road they were taking went through the deepest part of the forest, then opened up to spectacular views of Lake Tahoe lasting until they started up the road to the summit.

Adam watched Rebecca in silence most of the way. When she looked down, she was looking at their son. When she wasn't looking at AJ, she was looking around her…and smiling…and he hoped, remembering.

Before she was taken, Adam and Rebecca had come up to Echo Lake together and spent long weekends there…just the two of them. She had enjoyed fishing as much as he did. She had liked fried fish as much as he did. And though the water was cold, she had loved bathing and swimming in the lake, then lying on a blanket next to the water, drying in the warm sun. They had made love there, under God's sky, among the trees and boulders in the peacefulness surrounding the small mountain lake.

He hoped she would remember.

Once the wagon was unloaded, Rebecca prepared their dinner while Adam made up the bed with fresh linens. After dinner, they put AJ down for the night, then went outside to watch the sunset over the lake, sitting quietly together on a boulder near the shack. "Do you remember?" Adam asked as he put his arm over Rebecca's shoulder.

By the time she answered, the sun had set, and though she had allowed his arm to stay around her, she moved away now, standing with her back to him. "I remember. But it feels like I'm seeing someone else's memories…as if it was someone else's life."

Adam stood behind her, touching her shoulders. She flinched, but didn't step away. "That was our life together. I want that back. I don't want you to let what Wei did take that away from us."

"I'm trying," she whispered and walked back into the shack. Adam squatted down, picking up a rock and throwing it into the lake. _Who am I fighting? Rebecca, Wei…or both of them?_

The next morning after breakfast, Rebecca packed a picnic lunch, and they spent the day on the shore of the lake. While Adam fished, Rebecca watched while she played with AJ until Adam took him to the rock he had been sitting on and continued fishing while holding AJ on his lap. Looking back, he found Rebecca watching and smiling.

After catching enough fish for their dinner, Adam put the fishing pole away and holding AJ by his hands, he walked AJ along the shore of the lake. "Becca, he's pulling toward the water. What do you think about taking his diaper off and seeing if he likes it?"

"You're going to have to go with him if he goes."

"I'll take my boots off and roll up my trousers," he said, walking back to the blanket. He handed AJ to Rebecca while he removed his boots and rolled up his pants legs, then took AJ and removed his diaper.

When he got AJ to the water, Adam held his arms, dipping his feet in. "Hey, don't do that," Adam said loudly as he danced to the side, holding AJ away from him.

He looked back at Rebecca who was laughing. "You have to be careful when cooler air hits it. He'll pee on you."

Adam's eyes flew open wide as he threw his head back and joined her in laughter. "I can't believe you said that."

She slowly stopped laughing and watched him. "I've always loved your laugh."

Adam picked the baby up, turning AJ away from him and went to the blanket, kneeling and laying AJ to one side. Leaning into Rebecca, he took her lips with his, laying her back on the blanket, but was soon interrupted by what he first thought was a rain shower. He quickly discovered that AJ was relieving himself again, creating a high, golden fountain that rained down on Adam's back. Instinctively, he rose back up on his knees, getting showered on the head.

Rebecca saved what little self-respect Adam had left by reaching over and pushing the source of the shower in the opposite direction with her index finger, laughing all the while.

Standing with his hands on his hips, Adam looked displeased at AJ, but quickly relaxed, laughed and shook his head. "Becca, would you go get me some clothes to change into? I'm going to take a quick dip," he said as he began to remove his clothes. When he took off his trousers, Rebecca turned away. "Seeing me without clothes never used to bother you," he said as he shed his drawers. She continued to look away. "I'm going to take AJ with me while you go to the shack."

She snapped back around. "Adam, no please. He doesn't need to know what that feels like."

"Sweetheart, this isn't a punishment," he said, stepping forward to take the baby. "Don't you remember when you went swimming in this lake? It was just as cold back then, but you enjoyed it."

"Don't hurt him," she said, standing.

Adam took another step toward her, but she backed away. "Don't you know I would never hurt him?" He walked into the water and squatted quickly, then walked until he was up to his chest. Holding AJ up, he gradually brought AJ's feet down in the water. The baby held his feet up, so Adam cradled and immersed him. AJ stiffened, caught his breath and almost cried, but Adam brought him into his chest, holding him face to face with a look of surprise that made AJ do something between a laugh and a cry. Adam spun him around in the water, and soon, AJ was squealing, gurgling and laughing.

Rebecca had stepped up to the water, watching anxiously, but when AJ appeared to be happy, she called, "Don't…hurt him," then turned toward the shack to retrieve clean clothes and a clean diaper.

By the time she returned, the two were lying on the blanket, AJ on his back and Adam propped on one arm, teasing him. "Get the two of you dressed. I'll go start dinner," she said, laying the clothes and diaper down next to Adam, then retrieving the string of fish and walking back toward the shack. By the time Adam was dressed and AJ was diapered, the smell of fish frying wafted through the trees to the lake.

"Something smells good," said Adam, holding AJ, as he walked up to the cook fire Rebecca had prepared.

"Fried fish, johnnycakes and corn," answered Rebecca. "And mashed up johnnycake, egg and cheese for you," she said, tickling AJ.

"Are you having fish?"

Looking down, she said quietly, "I'll try it."

AJ had lain his head on Adam's shoulder. "I don't think he's ready for dinner. He didn't have a nap today."

"Would you mind tending the fish while I put him down," she asked, taking AJ from him and turning toward the shack.

When she returned, Adam had moved the table outside and had found some wildflowers to place in a cup in the center of the table. As he prepared two plates, he said, "I brought a bottle of wine. It's in my saddle bag. Would you get it?"

"Adam, I found this," she said when she returned. "You brought Browning."

He stood and gently took the book from her, placing it on the table. "I thought I'd recite some poetry to you tonight."

She smiled timidly. "You always brought that book here."

Taking her hand, he guided her to her seat at the table, and when she was seated, he poured the wine, then sat down. "To the present and the future," he said, holding up his cup.

"I thought you wanted me to remember our past."

"It would be nice if you could…without remembering the last three years."

"Adam, I remember the lake. I remember our home. I remember my garden. But every time I try to remember…you…us…it's not _your_…hands that I remember. It's not you."

Tears were forming in her eyes as she spoke, and Adam took her hand. "In time, Becca. Why don't we eat? I'm anxious to see if you still like fried fish."


	27. Chapter 26

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

Adam and Rebecca's trip to the lake left Chi Mei with time on her hands. Much of the time was spent in the kitchen with Hop Sing. She also accompanied Hop Sing to town when he picked up supplies for the kitchen, and he introduced her to his friends and family in Chinatown.

When they returned, Hop Sing asked Ben for the afternoon off. "I don't see why not," said Ben. "But is everything alright, Hop Sing?"

"Yes, Missa Cartlight," he answered smiling. "Everything fine. I take Missy Chi Mei on picanic."

Ben couldn't help but smile. "Fine, Hop Sing. You go right ahead. Adam and Rebecca aren't due back until late tomorrow, so Chi Mei won't be needed until then."

Hop Sing bowed and turned, but paused and turned back. "Missa Cartlight? What you think will happen to Missy Chi Mei when Missa Adam take Missy Rebecca home?"

Ben breathed in deeply. "I would think they'd take Chi Mei with them. But that would be up to Adam, Rebecca and Chi Mei." Hop Sing nodded and left.

He took Chi Mei to a high meadow near the lake, spread a blanket on the ground, and unpacked the picnic basket. Chi Mei had developed a taste for fried chicken, and that's what Hop Sing had prepared for her. As they ate, he told her about his conversation with Ben.

"I asked Mr. Cartwright if he knew what would become of you when Mister Adam and Miss Rebecca went home. He said he thought they would take you with them."

Chi Mei looked down at her hands. "The Cartwrights are good men. I would be most happy to stay if I am needed."

Moving next to her, Hop Sing said, "I would be most happy for you to stay as well."

She timidly looked at him, and Hop Sing smiled.

The ride toward home was more pleasant than the journey to the lake. AJ was awake for a good part of the trip, perched on one of Adam's legs, happily chattering, pointing, and alternately laughing and fussing at nothing in particular. When Adam pulled the buckboard off the road and stopped for lunch, Rebecca jumped down on her own, waiting to take AJ. "I'm sure he needs a clean diaper," she said, walking to the back of the wagon. Adam followed, taking out the picnic basket full of leftover fish, johnnycakes and corn from dinner. While she changed AJ's diaper, he laid a blanket on the ground and sat waiting for them to join him.

Rebecca placed AJ in the middle of the blanket, then sat to one side as she unloaded the picnic basket, giving the baby room to move around. She stopped and watched when AJ crawled over to Adam, grabbing high up his sleeve and beginning to pull himself up. His first try ended in a fall down on his backside which caused a fuss…not a cry…more like a series of annoyed grunts with a wrinkled nose, but soon, AJ was making a buzzing sound and trying again. Adam looked at Rebecca with an open-mouthed grin, meeting her smile and twinkling eyes. He looked a little more closely. Yes, her eyes were twinkling. When he looked back, AJ was wobbling on his feet, swaying as his knees bent and straightened. Adam circled him with his arms, not touching him, but prepared to catch him if he tumbled backwards. The look of surprise on AJ's face turned into a grin, showing in his round cheeks, his dimples and his little button nose as he squealed in delight. Reaching up with one hand to Adam's face, he said, "da."

Adam laughed loudly, scooping AJ up in his arms and laying him in his lap, playing and tickling while the baby gurgled and chortled. When he looked back at Rebecca, she had drawn her knees up in front of her, propping her arms on them and crossing them so that each of her hands rested on the opposite shoulder. She was looking at AJ with such love in her eyes. Then she looked at Adam…with the same look. A single tear rolled down her cheek as she smiled, taking in the scene.

"Becca?" said Adam, bringing AJ back up on his shoulder.

She wiped the tear way, then finished unpacking the picnic basket. "Crying doesn't always have to be a bad thing, does it? I've just been so worried that I had…permanently injured him." She brought her hand up to her mouth and turned away, sniffling.

Adam moved over to her with AJ. "He's not injured. He's just…delayed. He's going to be alright." Looking back at him, she smiled timidly. "Hand me one of those johnnycakes and a cup of water. Let's see how he handles it without the mush." While Adam fed AJ, Rebecca shared her fried fish with Adam. "I thought you might still like it," he said, smiling.

That evening when they arrived at the Ponderosa, AJ was already asleep in Rebecca's arms. Adam lifted Rebecca off the seat as she held the baby, gently placing her feet on the ground. "I'll be back to help you after I put him down," she said, walking to the house.

Ben had come out of the house and walked toward them. "Rebecca, how are you?" he asked, looking down at the child in her arms.

She smiled up at him. "I'm fine, Mr. Cartwright."

"You and I had an agreement that still stands as far as I'm concerned."

"I'm fine…Pa," she responded, smiling, then continued into the house.

"Adam," he said, extending his hand.

"Pa, looks like the fort is in good order," Adam said, taking his father's hand.

Ben chuckled. "How was the trip?"

Adam stopped unloading and turned, smiling. "It was good, Pa."


	28. Chapter 27

**Chapter Twenty-Seven**

Adam slowly began to spend longer hours away from the house working again with Joe and Hoss while Rebecca stayed in the company of either Ben or Hop Sing and Chi Mei. She had gone to church, and though she felt uncomfortable at first, not only because of the people there, but also because Mrs. Bailey wasn't sitting with her, she settled in and sang at Adam's urging.

After dinner one evening and after Chi Mei had taken AJ up to bed, as Rebecca sat sewing and Adam reading, she put her work down in her lap, addressing Adam. "I want you to bring Robbie back."

His eyebrows creased, and he hesitated for a moment before responding. "Sweetheart, we talked about this before. There won't be much left."

"But you said we could talk about it again. Do you think you could find him?"

"I'm fairly certain we could," he answered, looking into the fire. "Hoss and I found him when we were following you. We buried him."

She sat up straight. "So you know where he is?"

"Well, it's been three years, but I think we could find the grave. But Becca, why do you want to bring him back?"

"Because he needs to be taken care of properly," she said, sitting back. Adam knew the look on her face, even though he hadn't seen if for several years. Her jaw was set and her eyes were narrowed…the way she used to look when her mind was set on something. There was a stubbornness about them that he welcomed.

Hoss walked through the sitting area on his way upstairs from the kitchen.

"Hoss, do you remember where we buried Robbie Jensen?"

"Well, yeah, but why do you wanna know that?"

"Do you think you can take Joe and bring the body back here?"

"I reckon we could. At least, what's left of it. But why?"

"I need him to be taken care of properly," answered Rebecca.

"I'll talk to Joe…see if we can leave in the mornin'. It shouldn't take more than a couple a days. Hey, Pa."

Ben looked up from the papers he was working on at the desk. "Is that alright with you?"

"I'm sorry, Hoss. Is what alright?"

Walking over to the desk, Hoss said in a low voice. "Rebecca wants us to bring Robbie's body back." Ben looked up at him with raised eyebrows. "I know, Pa. I reckon Adam thought it needed to be done, 'cause he asked." Ben breathed deeply and nodded.

Walking back toward the stairs, Hoss said, "I'll go up and tell Joe."

"Thanks, Hoss," said Adam as he watched Rebecca resume her sewing.

"Adam?" He arched his eyebrows. "Are you going into town tomorrow?" she asked.

"Yes, I have to go to the bank, and Hop Sing asked me to pick up some things for him."

"May I go with you? I need to buy more ribbon," she said, glancing back at him and smiling.

The corner of Adam's mouth turned up. "I'd like that. We could have lunch."

The following morning, Adam and Rebecca left AJ with Chi Mei and took the buggy to town. When they arrived on the outskirts of Virginia City, Rebecca stopped Adam as they passed in front of Mrs. Bailey's house. Sadness took over her face as she stared at the front yard, once alive and colorful, now brown and wilted. She looked up at the second floor windows, and instead of seeing the sheer curtains blowing in the gentle breeze, the windows were closed and black. The swing on the front porch moved in the wind…empty.

"Do you want to go in?" Adam asked softly.

Taking a deep breath, she managed a slight smile. "No, not yet."

Patting her hand on his arm, he reined the horses forward into town, stopping in front of the bank. "Do you want to come in with me or would you rather go to Mrs. Lewis's first?"

"I'd like to go to Mrs. Lewis's…alone."

"Becca, are you sure? You don't have to."

"Would you…just watch me…until I get there…please?" she said, looking down, but glancing up at him.

He stepped down out of the buggy, then helped her down, smiling. "You're sure?" She nodded. "Alright. I'll watch from right here. Go ahead. I'll come get you when I'm finished in the bank."

She stepped off the boardwalk and slowly, timorously made her way across the street and to Mrs. Lewis's door. Turning, she waved her fingers, then stepped in.

When Adam had finished his business at the bank and poked his head in the door of Mrs. Lewis's shop, he smiled. Rebecca was behind the counter with Mrs. Lewis, matching fabrics with lace, ribbons, buttons and thread. "Adam, come in," said Mrs. Lewis. "I think Rebecca has just about made up her mind."

"I'd like…the yellow."

Adam took a slow step toward her, slightly turning his head. "Becca…yellow?"

"I always liked yellow before…and blue." She laid a blue bolt of fabric over the yellow. "See? It matches my scarf."

"Are you sure?" Adam asked, relaxing.

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Mrs. Lewis, can we pick this up in a little while?" asked Adam. "I need to make one more stop to pick up some herbs for Hop Sing."

"Of course," she answered. "But…I don't mean to pry, but wouldn't it be better if Rebecca stayed here?"

Rebecca cast her eyes down and clasped her hands in front of her. "No, it's alright. I'll go."

Adam turned her chin up with his finger. "Sweetheart, I have to go to Chinatown."

"I know," she said quietly. "But if I blamed all the Chinese, I'd have to blame Hop Sing…and Chi Mei. I don't want to do that. I understand that all Chinese are not bad, just the same as all white men aren't good."

"Let's go then," said Adam, smiling, holding out his arm; she wrapped hers around it, and the two walked into Chinatown.


	29. Chapter 28

**Chapter Twenty-Eight**

The minute Adam and Rebecca turned the corner into Chinatown, Rebecca's grip on Adam's arm became almost painful to him, she was holding on so tightly. When they arrived at the shop, Adam looked into her eyes, silently reassuring her before he removed her hand from his arm to give Lee Chang Hop Sing's list.

"Mister Adam, it is good to see you and Mrs. Cartwright," he greeted, first addressing Adam, and then turning to Rebecca. "If you can wait for a moment, I will prepare the herbs on the list for you."

"Becca, you're safe here. These are our friends," whispered Adam.

She nodded, and slowly stepped away, first looking around her, then drifting further into the shop to look at the wares. The more she looked, the further away she walked, until she had stepped out of the door to look at the silk fabric displayed in front. She soon found herself standing before another shop and peeking in the door, she noticed the shelves behind the counter were lined with bottles of all shapes and sizes. Her eyes stayed fixed on a small bottle filled with a white powder.

After she stepped inside, the Chinese man behind the counter asked, "May I help you?"

The front of the shop was very small with only enough room for the counter and the shelves behind it. To the right was a closed door, and while Rebecca stood at the counter, several Chinese men came and went, allowing her to see stairs leading down on the other side of the door.

She pointed to a small corked bottle covered by a wax seal and containing a white powder. The man reached up and placed the bottle on the counter. She stared at it. _Adam will be angry if he finds out_. _But what would be the harm to have it? I don't have to use it…but it would be there…if I needed it. _

"How much?" she asked quietly, turning and glancing behind her.

"Twenty dollar," said the man behind the counter.

She hesitated for a moment, then pulled open her reticule and laid twenty dollars on the counter, taking the bottle, dropping it in and quickly pulling the string.

When she left, the man left the counter and went downstairs to tell his associates that the girl with the yellow eye was in Chinatown.

Adam had been watching Rebecca browse, but turned away to answer a question about Hop Sing's list. When he turned back she was gone. "Lee Chang, I'll be back in a few minutes." Lee Chang nodded.

Looking around the racks of cloth and shelves of goods, Adam realized she must have left the store. He stepped out, looking around. Trotting down the street in front of the shops, he stopped at each one, but she was nowhere to be found.

He turned and saw a crowd beginning to form, moving slowly into the middle of the street. It was difficult to see into the crowd, but still, he saw that a woman was frantically trying to get through what had become a circle. Realizing the woman had to be Rebecca, he ran to her and pulled her out.

Lee Chang heard the disturbance from his store and came out into the street, rushing to them. "Please, Mister Adam. Come this way." Rebecca was holding on to Adam so tightly, he couldn't peel her off, so he carried her back into Lee Chang's shop.

Sitting her down in a chair, he pried her arms from around his neck and knelt in front of her. She was shaking, and her face was wet with tears. "Becca, what happened?"

"Please take me home," she whispered.

Lee Chang had let them in the store, then closed the door behind them, staying outside. When he returned, he pulled the door closed again and locked it. "My apologies, Mister Adam. They meant no disrespect. When one saw her yellow eye, he told others. Many of those here have family in San Francisco. I am afraid the news of her abduction and why she was taken reached even here."

"It's not your fault, Lee Chang. I should never have brought her into Chinatown." Lee Chang frowned and turned. Bowing his head and exhaling, Adam knew that what he said shamed the store keeper. "I'm sorry, Lee Chang. I didn't mean to say that she shouldn't be here. It was too soon for me to bring her after her rescue. I know they meant no harm."

Lee Chang smiled and bowed. "I will gather the remaining herbs."

Adam wiped Rebecca's face with the bandana he kept in his pocket. "Becca, why did you leave the shop?"

She sniffed. "I went outside to look at the silk, and I guess I kept walking, looking at the things in front of the other shops. I never thought they'd care about my eyes here."

Returning from the back of the store, Lee Chang placed all the small bags of herbs into a box. After paying, Adam took the box and led Rebecca back across the street with his arm around her. Everyone stayed back, but watched them until they turned the corner out of Chinatown.

Stopping in front of Mrs. Lewis's dress shop, Adam asked, "Can you stay in Mrs. Lewis's shop while I go get the buggy?"

"Yes. I'm alright."

Adam touched her cheek with his hand, then opened the door of the shop for her. Mrs. Lewis already had the notions Rebecca had purchased bagged, and by the time Adam arrived with the buggy, Rebecca had gathered everything in her arms and was waiting by the door.

"Goodbye, Rebecca," said Mrs. Lewis. Rebecca turned, slightly smiling.

Once they were out of Virginia City, she relaxed her grip on Adam's arm and sat back in the buggy. "Becca, you know they didn't mean to frighten you, don't you? There's no one here who wants to hurt you."

"I guess I should just get used to it. I can't change my eyes."

"I wouldn't want you to," said Adam, leaning over and kissing her cheek. "You have beautiful eyes."


	30. Chapter 29

**Chapter Twenty-Nine**

When Adam and Rebecca arrived at the Ponderosa, Rebecca took her purchases upstairs, dropped them on the bed and headed in search of AJ, the joy of her existence. He had been sleeping, and she brought him downstairs and sat with him while he slowly awoke.

Adam went to the kitchen to deliver the herbs from Lee Chang's shop, then came back and sat on the coffee table in front of Rebecca. "Are you alright?"

She glanced up from her son, on the verge of tears. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left. I just wanted to browse the shops."

"Sweetheart, it's alright," he said, taking her hand. "I'm glad you felt you could look by yourself. And I don't what you to lose that courage. Those men didn't mean to frighten you." She smiled and nodded.

The next evening, Rebecca sat on the rug in front of the settee, laughing as AJ practiced pulling himself up to his feet. Adam chuckled as he watched them from the hearth. A knock at the door drew him up and away. Opening it, he looked out in surprise. "Lee Chang?"

"Mister Adam, I must speak with you," said the merchant, looking over Adam's shoulder into the house. "May we speak outside?"

Adam creased his brow. "Of course," he said, stepping out and pulling the door closed.

"Mister Adam, after you left I found who had spread the news of the girl with the yellow eye. It was a man who works for Master Lu."

Adam's nostrils flared, and he straightened from standing casually with his weight shifted to one leg. "Isn't he the man who runs the opium den?"

Lee Chang nodded. "I asked this man how he had seen Mrs. Cartwright." Chang bowed his head, troubled by what he had to say. "He told me that Mrs. Cartwright had made a purchase; a small bottle of opium powder."

Barely keeping his anger in check, Adam thanked Lee Chang and saw him to his buggy. When Lee Chang was out of sight, he turned back to the house, breathing heavily, his mouth drawn into a tight line. He quietly closed the door and stood listening to the squealing and giggling coming from the other side of the settee. Noticing Rebecca's reticule on the entry cabinet, he grabbed it and walked into the sitting area, standing over her.

She looked up at him, her laughter and smile fading when she saw him holding the purse. His face was expressionless and his eyes cold as stone. Walking into the room from the kitchen, Ben froze, seeing the look on Adam's face and the way he was standing over Rebecca.

Adam pulled the reticule open and looked in as Rebecca drew AJ to her. When he pulled out the bottle of opium, she looked away, holding AJ even more tightly. "I didn't take any. Look," she said, nodding at the bottle. "It's still sealed."

He stood for a moment, staring at the bottle, then spun around, throwing it into the fireplace, sending powder and shards of glass all over the fire box. Rebecca stood with AJ and tried to run, but Adam grabbed her arm. Before she knew what was he was doing, he took the baby from her, sending the child into frightened screams as he reached back for his mother.

She reached for him, but Adam caught her hand and threw it away from him. Rebecca's face twisted in terror. "Give me my baby."

"Rebecca, if I can't trust you not to do that to yourself, I can't trust you not to do it to him."

Tears began to flow down her face as she realized what he was saying. Blinking back the wetness stinging her eyes, she fought to catch her breath. "I would never hurt him. Please, don't take him away from me."

Adam turned to leave, and when she grabbed his arm, he shrugged it away and continued into the kitchen, walking past his father. "Adam, don't do this."

He didn't stop and disappeared around the corner. "Hop Sing, take Chi Mei and AJ and leave the house. Get the buggy hitched, go to my house and wait for me."

"Hop Sing not understand."

"Just go," Adam barked, passing AJ to Chi Mei. When the two left through the kitchen door, Adam came back into the front of the house, taking one more furious look at her, then turned toward the door and put on his gun belt.

"Wait! What have you done with my baby?" she yelled, running to him. She stood behind him, waiting for an answer that wasn't coming. "Adam, please," she begged, grabbing his arm. He turned and firmly removed her hands from his arm, then opened the door. "Please, please not this," she begged, sinking to the floor.

"Adam!" yelled Ben, but it was too late. Adam pulled the door closed behind him, leaving his wife sobbing on the floor against it.

Ben stood in the entry way, shocked, trying to breathe. He reached down to Rebecca and brought her up into his arms, holding her for a moment before he could speak. "Rebecca, he'll be back. And he'll bring AJ back." She went limp in his arms, sobbing uncontrollably.


	31. Chapter 30

**Chapter Thirty**

Ben took Rebecca up to Adam's bedroom and guided her to the bed. "Rebecca, he'll be back. We just have to wait." He got no response. She had taken on the same trance-like state she had had after Mrs. Bailey's death. He pulled the blanket over her and left the room, going back down stairs. Nervously looking at the clock, he walked to the fireplace. He'd always found it easy to think while looking into the flames, but all he saw were the remnants of the bottle and its contents. After an hour, he heard the buggy pull into the yard, and rushing to the door, he met Hop Sing on his way in.

"Hop Sing, where have you been?"

"Missa Adam send us to house on hill. He come by tell Chi Mei she stay there."

Ben nodded and stepped out onto the porch, looking out as if he could make Adam appear with his thoughts. But another hour passed, and there was no sign of him. He sat in the leather chair and picked up his pipe, but he simply turned it over and over in his hand, never lighting it…thinking. Mrs. Bailey had said that at some point, something would happen in their lives that would make them explode. Adam had been to the brink, had faced that battle and was winning…or so Ben had thought until today.

He suddenly looked up, a memory coming back to him from the time before Adam found Rebecca. He could always find Adam by the lake, and he knew that place still meant something because it was the place Adam had asked Rebecca to share his life. It made sense that he'd be there thinking about their beginnings.

He went upstairs to look in on Rebecca. She was still lying on the bed, softly sobbing, holding one of AJ's blankets. Quietly closing the door, he went back down, taking his hat and gun belt from the cabinet, then saddled Buck and rode out in search of Adam.

When he arrived, he stopped at the edge of the woods. He saw Adam sitting on the boulder where he had always found him before, staring out at the water. When he approached, Adam turned. "I used to come out here to be alone."

"I remember. You always said the same thing when I came looking for you."

"Pa, I'm not a kid. You can't fix this."

Ben got comfortable on the boulder behind Adam. "Mrs. Bailey told me something once that I didn't believe was possible. I never would have thought that you could lose your temper the way you did tonight at someone you love the way you love Rebecca." Adam turned his head slightly and flared his nostrils. "She said that the two of you were alike in that you both have dealt with more than your share of disappointments." Cutting his eyes upwards, Adam exhaled. "She said the next bad thing that happened might be the thing that made you explode, that it had been building up all your lives, and the person who was there when you did wouldn't know what hit them. I'm the one who didn't know what hit me…at first. Rebecca does know. But it's still something that isn't completely in her control."

"I'm not convinced she wants to be in control."

"I'm not making excuses for what she did, but Paul did say she would be weak."

Ben looked at the back of Adam's head, wishing he had Mildred's insights. "Adam, how would the day have ended if she had never been in Chinatown?" Ben stood, stepped over to Adam's boulder and squeezed his shoulder. "She's almost back, Son. She won't make it the rest of the way without you. Do you really want to stop trying now when you're so close?" He turned and stepped across the boulders back to the shore and Buck, leaving Adam alone on his boulder.


	32. Chapter 31

**Chapter Thirty-One**

When Ben returned home, he found Rebecca on Chi Mei's bed in AJ's room. She was leaning against the wall, clutching the same blanket she had before he left, and had gathered all his blankets and toys around her. Even his little dresses were neatly folded on the bed beside her. She wasn't crying, but it was plain from the wetness of her face and her swollen eyes that she had been. At the moment, she stared ahead without acknowledging he was in the room. The look on her face made Ben fear for her sanity, knowing how she had fought to keep her child alive and safe and out of Wei's hands. Now it was Adam who had taken the child away from her, not only taking him out of her arms, but hiding him where she couldn't get to him.

He left the room and went downstairs to wait.

Several hours passed. It was already dark outside before Adam came through the door…carrying AJ. He hung his hat on the rack beside the door, laid his gun on the cabinet, then walked into the sitting room and sat in the blue chair.

"How is she?"

"She's not good, Son. For the last few hours, I'm sure she's been trying to understand the difference between Wei threatening to take her child away, and you actually doing it."

"You were right, Pa. I should never have taken her into Chinatown. I took her to the one place she could get opium without anyone questioning it. Except Lee Chang."

"Lee Chang is a good friend."

Adam bent his head and scratched the back of his neck. "She was doing so well. She was becoming…Becca." He snorted. "She bought opium, and she hid it from me when she should have trusted me, and I felt…betrayed. I know it's not Becca…it's the habit. I shouldn't have let it get to me that way." Looking at his son, he exhaled. "We're going upstairs," said Adam, kissing AJ's head. "Chi Mei said it took some time for him to settle down, too."

"She's in AJ's room."

Adam nodded and headed up the stairs. When he got to AJ's room, Rebecca continued to stare for a moment, but when he approached her and sat AJ on the bed in front of her, she pulled the child to her, holding on to him and sobbing. Adam pulled her up off the bed and carried her into their bedroom, laying her on the bed with AJ. Sitting on the other side, he removed his boots and belt and lay down next to her, drawing her against him. There they lay the rest of the night.

The next morning, Chi Mei knocked on the bedroom door. "Come in," called Adam.

When he lifted AJ out of Rebecca's arms, she sat up. "No, please," she said fearfully, reaching for the baby.

Adam quickly passed him to Chi Mei, then sat down, taking Rebecca's hands. "It's alright, Becca. Chi Mei is taking him downstairs to feed him while we talk."

Rebecca looked up at Chi Mei, who tried to assure her. "We will be in the kitchen." She left, pulling the door closed behind her.

Rebecca sat up against the headboard.

"Becca, look at me."

She looked away, her chin quivering.

"Alright then, just listen. I should never have taken you into Chinatown. You weren't ready to believe you don't need the opium."

She sniffed.

"I'm sorry," he said, pulling her toward him. She resisted, but he continued to draw her to him, holding her, whispering in her ear. "Becca, I need you to need me when you're afraid or hurt or can't face something. Not the opium."

Keeping her arms between them, she spoke in a firm voice, very clearly and concisely. "When I told Wei that I would kill myself if he took my child, I wasn't bluffing." Adam took her arms and moved her back so he could see her face as she continued, looking him squarely in the eye. "You took my child from me, and I had no idea where you took him or if you would bring him back. My son is the only reason I survived Wei. I can't survive without him now."

His nostrils flared. Was she giving him an ultimatum? "Becca, you are not in control of yourself when you have opium in you. I won't risk his life if you choose to take it again."

She shoved away from him and yelled, "I didn't take it. You knew I didn't take it, but you took him away from me anyway…after you destroyed it."

"It would have been just a matter of time."

"You don't know that. And even if I did take it, all the opium in the world wouldn't cause me to do that to him. I could never hurt him," she choked, glaring at Adam with such a pained expression Adam's anger completely left him.

Drawing her into him again, he held her tightly. "We've both learned a lesson. We both have to be strong to get past this. But Becca, you have to trust me." He raised his head to look at her. "I have no doubt that you would never give him opium. But what if you took it and forgot about him. He could easily get hurt any number of ways, and you wouldn't even know."

She held her breath and shuddered, a look of horror and sudden understanding taking over her face. "Oh God, no," she whispered.

Adam guided her head to his shoulder, and they stayed there, holding on.


	33. Chapter 32

**Chapter Thirty-Two**

While Rebecca sat sewing, Adam sat on the hearth shoveling broken glass and cold embers covered in white powder into a bucket. When he had everything cleaned out of the fireplace, he used wet cloths to wipe it down so that there was no trace of the opium to burn with the next fire.

Ben sat at his desk with his grandson on his lap. AJ tried to grab everything within reach, interrupting his grandfather to the point that Ben closed his books and gave in to the curiosity of the child.

Rebecca had stopped and watched Adam as he wiped down the firebox, first wondering why he was going to the trouble, then remembering the odor coming from the side door at the shop where she had bought the bottle. Fire would cause fumes, and though the small amount probably wouldn't affect the men, it would only take a little for AJ and her to react. Her thoughts turned to Robbie. Joe and Hoss were due home sometime today. She had no idea why she needed Robbie back. Something that Mrs. Bailey had said stuck in the back of her mind…_sometimes a person is just mean…there's nothing good in them. _ Rebecca would never have given in to that reasoning before Robbie took her, and she had thought, up until recently, that giving in to Mrs. Bailey's words was a failing because everyone had some good in them somewhere. Believing otherwise was just another thing she had to overcome because of what Wei had done and because of the opium. _But_ _what if Robbie had tried to help her escape so he could still get money from Adam? _

She looked back at Adam as he wiped the last of the opium residue from the firebox. A picture formed in her mind of the two of them together three years ago. She remembered the happiness she felt in the very depths of her soul, an almost overpowering feeling of love and joy…bliss. She remembered thinking she would never have known that kind of perfect happiness if not for Adam. She remembered the way he used to look at her…the way he used to hold her…love her…as if he felt the same thing…perfect happiness.

The sound of a wagon entering the yard drew her from her thoughts, and she suddenly felt a pang of nervousness shoot through her. Why, she didn't know. She had an idea of what to expect, but now that Robbie was here, she wasn't sure what she wanted or needed.

Adam knelt in front of her. "Becca, are you alright?"

She quickly shook her head. "Yes. Why?"

Smiling, Adam held out his hand. "I said your name three times, and you didn't move."

"I'm sorry. I was…thinking." She took his hand and rose, following Adam to the front door where Ben joined them, handing AJ to Chi Mei, who always appeared at almost the exact time she was needed.

Hoss had pulled the wagon around so that the back of the wagon, containing Robbie's remains covered with a blanket, faced the front of the house. Hoss and Joe jumped down from the wagon and made their way to the porch. Becca had taken a step forward so the men were all behind her as she stared at the blanket covering an unnaturally flat, but lumpy mass.

"Did you have any trouble finding the grave?" asked Adam.

"No, it didn't look like it had been disturbed. Still had the rocks on it," answered Hoss.

Joe reverently removed his hat. "You were right. There's not much left. Just bones."

Rebecca took a few slow steps to the back of the wagon and slowly lifted one corner of the blanket. She cringed, then let it drop. _Robbie…why?_ She wrapped her fingers around the handle of the shovel lying in the back of the wagon next to the body. Little by little, she pulled the shovel out of the wagon.

Hoss tapped Adam's chest with the back of his hand and nodded toward Rebecca. Looking around anxiously at his brothers and his father, Adam stayed back and watched quietly.

Rebecca had pulled the shovel all the way out of the wagon, but held it with the blade hovering over the back of the wagon. In a voice filled with quiet rage, she said, "This is all your fault. You killed Pa. You did this to me." As she spoke, she raised the blade over her head, and when she was finished speaking, she brought the flat side of the shovel blade down on the body under the blanket, making a loud smacking and cracking sound.

The four men behind her took a step back, stunned as she raised the shovel and brought it violently down again, grunting loudly. Adam started forward, but Ben held him back, shaking his head, saying softly, "You had your turn. Let her have hers. She can't hurt him."

They stood watching, cringing and wincing each time she heaved the shovel down time and time again, making a loud cracking and crunching sound with each whack, grunting and bellowing, "You…did this…to me," with the cadence of her blows.

Breathing heavily, she stopped, lowering the shovel to the ground, catching her breath. Adam thought she was done and took a step forward, but she lifted the shovel and brought it down viciously one more time before she threw the shovel at the body.

The men froze, waiting.

She straightened her dress, tugging it down at the waist, then walked to the wagon, and lifted the blanket, revealing unrecognizable pieces of bone. Looking over the body where the shirt pocket would have been, she reached in and picked something out of the busted skeleton, then turned, standing up straight with one hand holding the other that was clenched in a fist. "I want to go home."

"Becca, Sweetheart, you are home," said Adam, warily taking a step toward her.

"I want to go to our home…with our son." She stepped forward to Adam, looking up into his eyes with calm clarity. "Please take me home." Taking his hand and opening it, she held her fist above his hand, dropped something into it and closed his fingers around it.

While Rebecca watched his eyes, he slowly opened his hand and caught his breath, then took her left hand and slipped her wedding band on the fourth finger. Taking her face in his hands, he kissed her and lingered close, quietly saying, "Let's go home."

As they turned to walk back into the house arm in arm, Hoss asked, "What d'you want us to do with Robbie?"

Rebecca stopped and slightly turned. "Get the undertaker. Have him buried in the cemetery."

Ben stood back, blew out a long breath, then followed Adam and Rebecca into the house.


	34. Chapter 33

**Chapter Thirty-Three**

When Adam and Rebecca's buckboard pulled in the front yard of their house, they both sat quietly for a few moments, remembering.

"It needs a good cleaning. I hadn't been back here for a while until…" Adam glanced over at her and twisted his mouth before he continued. "...until I found the opium."

"You brought AJ here?"

He nodded. "Are you ready to go inside?"

Smiling and nodding, she looked the house over one more time, then answered, "Let's go."

Adam helped her down from the buckboard, and held her hand as they walked to the front door. She hesitated when he pushed it open, sticking her head in first, then slowly entered with Adam following behind her.

Rebecca looked around the living room. "Well, this room looks fairly clean thanks to Chi Mei." She turned back to Adam. "Can we talk about Chi Mei?"

"Alright," he said, raising his chin, crossing his arms and getting comfortable in his stance.

"Can she stay?"

Smiling, Adam looked down for a moment, then looked at her from under his brow. "Becca, I'm sure we could use her help in the beginning, but don't you think there will come a time when you're…better…and you won't need her?"

"Adam, she's been with me, taking care of me and AJ for over three years now. She's like family."

"We'll see." He scratched behind his ear. "I get the feeling she might be starting a family of her own at some point…maybe with Hop Sing."

Rebecca smiled and nodded, then continued to survey the house, going from room to room and ending in the kitchen. She stepped out the back door and looked at the patch of grass and weeds that had been her garden.

Adam stood behind her with his hands on her shoulders. "We'll get that turned over again so you can replant it."

Back in the kitchen, she looked through the cupboards, in the pantry, and in the icebox, leaving everything open to air out. "I'll need some ice. And we'll need to get supplies. There's nothing here."

"I cleaned it all out so we wouldn't have a rat problem."

"Well, we need to get the bedrooms and kitchen cleaned up first. Once we do that, we'll need to bring the baby bed over from Pa's and buy a dresser for AJ's room. We'll need furniture for Chi Mei's room, too."

"We can put AJ in the middle room next to ours and Chi Mei in the bedroom on the other side," added Adam.

She turned and wrapped her arms around his torso, making him smile and hug her back. "Adam, I love this house. We were so happy here."

Raising her face to his with his finger under her chin, he said, "We'll be happy here again." He held her face in his hands while he kissed her, then slowly moved his arms around her, holding her tightly, kissing her like he used to…like the woman he loved. She pressed against him and kissed him back.

That same evening, after the linens had been changed, the bedrooms had been dusted and mopped, and the curtains beaten to remove the dust, Adam and his brothers moved the baby bed from the main house. Chi Mei would stay there until furniture could be purchased for her room, and that evening, everyone sat around the dinner table at Pa's house.

That night, Adam, Rebecca and AJ stayed at home...their home. After putting AJ down for the night, Adam entered their bedroom and stopped at the door, watching Rebecca wrapped in her robe, staring out the window.

When she heard him enter, she turned to face him, and to Adam's surprise, she untied the sash letting the robe fall to the floor.

Adam caught his breath. His nostrils flared as he gazed upon her naked beauty. For all she had been through, she was still as lovely as the day he had married her. He took a hesitant step toward her. "Becca…what…I don't want you to do this because you think…"

She cast her eyes down. "Adam, I need…I want…to remember you. Not Wei."

When she looked into his eyes, he knew this was his Becca. He walked to her, lifted her in his arms and carried her to the bed, making love to her slowly, carefully, tenderly for the first time in over three years.

Adam awoke as the first hint of light appeared in the bedroom window. He didn't move at first, not wanting to disturb the woman still sleeping in his arms. Gently pulling his arm from under her neck, he propped up and watched her, the image of peacefulness still wearing a faint smile. She looked happy; as happy as he.

Opening her eyes, she smiled up at him.

**The End**


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